Thursday, December 31, 2009


So christmas is over
thank god
I hate this season,
i used to love it so much
but without mom... it hurts

this year was more intense than usual, i cant do anything without thinking of her, I see other girls with their moms, i look in the mirror and for a spilt second i see her in my reflection. before I go to bed i had visions of memories and stuff..

i hurts, i dont know how much longer I can stand this for. I feel like I just want to explode, i just cant keep up with it anymore.

I miss her.... I want her in my life..for real... I know she can't its impossible, but she's always with me.... but its not the same

but i gotta stop on that topic..

christmas wsa okay,, Dom and I were sick on xmas day and we had to miss both my familys and kelley and lenores dinner.. I feel bad, and then everyone was saying how we should have been there and I felt worse...

Dominic got some sweet toys and clothes, and this year he loved opening his presents :)

Dez got some sweet clothes, and a cool new jacket :)

I got a laptop from boxing day sales (future shop bad on boxing day)

and its great, its a little netbook. I love it

So dylans here with his gf, they arrived last night, no idea how long they are staying. but im takign his gf out shopping so dez and dylan can have some alone time.. but im nervous, im still having issues tryign to talk to my friends let alone random ppl...
so this may end up being a bit bad and a shitty awkward shopping trip but oh well

Dez got up this morning, got dom up, went to give water to his snake to find out he died :(

Dez is sad, he loved Sheare.. :( Im in shock, not sure why he died, dez thinks it may have gotten too hot with this light that we had, but we are not sure. :(

today is a crappy day all around.

I hate the holidays, hell the last few months have hell.. I hate life lately, its just...fuck it all... mood... but i must go save dominic

until later

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


so i have an uber sore throat on one side :(
Ive been taking meds all day and doesnt really help
my tooth hurts too and just above it on the gums i have a wierd circle bump
and if i touch it my tooth on the inside hurts a lot
I hope my tooth doesnt fall out
that would suck


oops caps lock was on... but im too lazy to fix it


Sunday, November 15, 2009


So thats what the inside of my head feels like

IM just freaking out, being super super broke and low on exciting fun foods (spaghetti is only cool liek once a week...:P) and knowing we are going to be doign a lot better at the end of the month...
its stressful
not to mention being uber depressed --- friday was a bad day, it seems the days are getting worse then if i try hard i can have an awesome day... but then the next day is HORRIBLE

also stressful --- sobriety!


maybe getting my lip pierced again on the opposite side-- and by maybe i mean I am
also getting this as a tattoo next month on my left inside forearm
(click for larger better view)

im excited,
I would explain, but im lazy... lol

and my blogging has now gotten boring for me, im off more later

Sunday, November 8, 2009

So I had another stress attack today, but not like my normal 5 mins ones, this time it lasted like half an hour,no idea what caused it. well maybe?

I think i just snapped today so many things sucked, and i think the piling up just drove me nuts

`last night got stoned and as i wet to sleep (when i hit the pillow i was pretty much out) i kept seeing new and already known mnii movie clips of my mom, so i was weakend by this when i woke up.
`Dez was in a bad mood cuz he had to get up with me so I could drop him off at Randy's to finish yard work (which we knew woudl take till 3 (which it did)
`got to work to find out almost the whole hotel checked out so i had 15 check outs... and the rooms were all double beds (2 doubles to a room) and every ed was used, yay time consuming, and they all had crumbs everywhere, and coffee...:( and beers and messes..
--- one plus side, cuz it took me so long to do the rooms all day my last room was taken off my list at the end of the day (IT SUCKED! super party drunk gross dirty food on floor room!) - so i was hoping to lose it if i saved it till last :P
`just got paid, already pretty much broke after getting some needed stuff
`just work in general
`having like no food at home
`my stupid broken glasses that slide of my face all the time, much less when i have to look down for work, reading, anything... ><

i dunno, i think thats all i could handle today
oh right haha
at work as i was cleaning a glass it fell and my reflex tried to grab it and i ended up slicing both my palms, so now i have uber large bandaids on and im in pain

today was stupid

i did get $4 in tips today (shitty kinda) but it at least got me 2 pops :)

also i might get tomorrow morning off, but not sure we will see f i get a call in the morning

so there was some maybe good news today

ugh i hate my hair
i need something to change, hair, tattoo, piercing, hairdye, hairstyle, arg

i dunno

you kno i really wish i had more people who read my blog, lol
its wierd to want ppl to read my thoughts but at the same time, i enjoy peoples comments on my thoughts and ideas and other stuff

I just want more friends, i miss having a group
i dont know where to start, or how, always broke (hopefully wil change now...minus wedding saving :( )
i would really like to be able to have people call me up and hang out, i would feel so much more wanted than me always calling ppl tryign to set things up

which doesnt work most the time anyways
im excited that im startign to go to TUG more often now, maybe i can find/reconnect with some people there


Friday, November 6, 2009

well that was stupid

So I was a day ahead of myself yesterday, I thought the 5th was the 6th
My moms birthday woudl have been today, Nov 6...
so because I suck
im moody for 2 days and all that crap

Not alot going on, waiting for my gossip girl to finish downloading(i missed it this week)

So ive been wanting to try something lately, and i want to try before the weddnig cuz well i want to

I want thin eyebrows (not thin vs thick but like a thinner line) And the last time i had that was when i shaved off my eyebrows, and i loved how it looked (<3 dez hates it and im scared to do it cuz most ppl think they are dumb) either way
I want to try the actual real eyebrows super thin, cuz i have always admired that goth loko and to do it before the wedding as a test
but im scared if they look bad

lol but im usually locked in my house anyways so i may get away with it

the wedding has been in my mind lately
I know what i want for my dress (skirt/corset w/e) sorta, not sure what I want the girls in yet

I know i want a skirt similiar to the following:

Yea I truly did fall in love with the black and red one (the room with the mirrors also #'s 1 5 and 6) and black and hot pink
and turns out those dresses are easy to make
I love the poofyness and the coolness and they will rock with boots

again no idea for the girls..... black and hot pink for them too, i might stick them in corsets and skirts too
we shall see, i need to visit gothical for ideas

work still sucks
because dez's shift changed he doesnt work till 3 (used to work at 2) so I told my work I can work till 1 instead of 12, so now I get 10 rooms a day instead of 8

oh well , hopefully will help me look better

oh I found a quote I want tattooed
"It's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all"

I enjoy this quote because it can be applied to so many things, liek me being a party kid without a baby :P sometimes i need a reminder when im upset that i got pregnant... or with tysene, i am so thankful i was in his life, however short, we may not have ended well but im glad I knew him and then lost him, same with my mom

When i actually stop and think about that quote i actually feel a sensation of calmness (or something) and i can relax... but sometimes i dont think of it, hence the tattoo, i see it and it pops in my head and calms me.. ( i have a bad memory i forget all the time little simple things)

so yea Im thinking i will get aaron to do the quote cuz you cant screw up on words eh?

soon enough

so my head hurts, i went over to dom little table cuz he is drawing/scribbling, and i did it AGAIN!.... I whacked my head on the staircase(basement) and really hard... ive hit it 4 times... and i have bumps and bruises to prove it..

so now I need head drugs

upstairs I go

PS the 4th skirt picture comes out shitty, and i wasnt a super big fan anyways but to delete it means i have to change my wording in the post, so im leaving it at this..


Thursday, October 29, 2009

Not much new lately
So dez and I have our 3 year coming up on halloween

Im excited to go to TUG on halloween
i wish dez and I would have had a few bucks, oh well, as long as we can get in TUG im happy

stressing about making rent, dez was so sick he had to miss so many days so we are so cutting it close to making it. well sorta

and then the added stress of my mind allowing myself to think (liek actually think) about my mom and who she was, and its stressing me so much. Im glad I now get 2 days off.

work is going okay.. got in trouble for being sick today so I have to go get a doctors note tomorrow.. blah

had a older lady at work tell me she hates me (older Asian angry woman, lacking english) lol

apparently i take her vacuum everyday (1. vacuums are not assigned, 2. i just grab one, i dont actually look) and she was like
"you do this everyday,every day"

so i asked what the difference was cuz i didnt really see much besides the cords,
and she replies with " i hate you" and mumbled something about stealing :S

so i was in a bad mood so i replied with "fine for that comment im just going to take it every morning." and left.

i just ouldnt handle that for some reason, i just snapped.
oh well

I get to go look at dresses soon :D im excited

i still really want a wicked wicked vacation, but i really want a fun wedding too, still a cheap wedding, but i dunno, i have a short amount of time left.

not sure what else to say
im off for now

random picture of the day :click it for full:

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

new header means I need a new post

So my fancy new header, it was my old favorite one and it used to say "Angels heavenly hell" also I added my newest quote to the bottom of my blog <3
It was time for a new header, Im sick of the standards society seems to have set on me, but im going to try my hardest to push through and be myself,
if im balancing both well then there is nothing wrong with me or my parenting.

I can still be gothic/slutty and go clubbing once a week or 2ce (within reason cuz I love dezzy :P <3) but I can do that, as long as Dominic is happy and growing and put first, I can go clubbing and still be 21

I still have to find the balance, so I may screw up fine w/e it wont last forever Im working on this, this is my new goal.
I want to be 21

Dez isnt really into the same scene I am, he likes to go once in a while but he likes staying home so sometimes he can stay home after dom is asleep and play on his comp, and i can go out, or we can get a babysitter and we can both go out, together or separate.
either way

and maybe I can get back with some ppl I used to know and get some friends, or at least someone to chat too on msn every once in a while :P


I just dont want to look back and think how much i hated how i stayed home and didnt "have fun"

I dont want to regret throwing away my life cuz I locked myself in my head and home.

Done for now

Thursday, October 1, 2009

tattoo post

I want a tattoo... :(

okay so the gir ones mi not sure which one to pick prolly the one with the half robot

the corsets i think I would rather on the inside of my arms

the cluttered stars I want, but not sure where too many ideas

the platypus is a little too evil but i like the design and colors

the little angel guy is awesome, i love him

the nymph on the mushroom is sweet, ive loved it for a few years now

the angel wings I want <3

and the moogle/mog from the original final fantasy's
(i also want the 8 bit characters too :P)

but currently the only pictures i have, and i got lazy to post more lol maybe later

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

draft autosaved at 8:41 pm

so i exported my blog and was going to delete it
not sure why
i have can count the people who read my blog on one hand... ha.. half a hand, and its liek i might as well just tell those ppl if i feel liek talking instead,
but again
i didnt delete it so i dunno
my old livejournal account i had tons of peopel who read my journal
and then i moved here and lost a lot of readers, but i dunno i like this better than livejournal


i wanna stay home... im trying to figure out a way to get an extra day or 2 off, cuz i need it, i cant handle the stress. its feels like i cant organize my time, when i stayed home before, cleaning the whole house, re-organizing, laundry (ok not so much that one) but it was all easy to do no second thoughts really.
but anytime i work, it feels like my time is running out to relax and sit there.
i do realize to clean up the house only takes an hour or 2, but to me it seems so much worse and i have absolutely no motivation to do it, or i do but im too tired

im miss the old apt, i miss staying home and dezzy worked, i dont have a dream job or career, i dont want to work, i want to focus on dom and learning how to cook for dezzy and getting a schedule set up

i dunno

i just wish dez has his dream job and i could have the family life ive always wanted, the same one my mom had
and i feel so bad for thinking about "not wanting to work" cuz whenever im not working (by choice or not) i get so many lectures from so many ppl, and i can get passed it, but we cant afford to have me not work...

god i want an apt, it would be cheaper and i can work casual hours weekly and still help save for the wedding and everything else, and i would only be working 3 times a week or maybe 4

i hate this place, i hate how $$ it is, i hate how because how $$ this place is we can barely even save up to move... not to mention everywhere wants solid references before they even consider you, well boardwalk doesnt liek us, so they are out, and our previous landlords from the apt, moved away and we dunno how to contact them...
now we might be able to use my dad, but they like at least 2 references, and it blows

god i hate how every month it seems to get harder and harder, everywhere rent keeps going up, bills are expensive, gas is expensive, and fuck

having to deal with the flood of emotions and memories is hard enough but having to worry about bills and my job stressing the hell outta me, i cant take it, im breaking down...
between work and crying my eyes out at home, my energy is always gone, and my mind is so far off i cant even find it.
and i know it takes hard work to get where you wanna be or to get to "happiness" or to the end of a race, so to speak, but sometimes the runner gets tired and just cant finish the race, no matter how hard they try...

sometimes i feel like that, and by sometimes i mean mean all the time..

i just want to go to sleep and not get back up
im walking the fine line of giving up my mind and body cant do it anymore, but i have to, but i dont know how much longer that can push me.

and now i feel horrible thinking how much i whine and complain, i mean other ppl go through worse when they feel worse...
god i feel liek such a horrible person..
im going to stop writing, im just going to continue to find more reasons to hate myself

yes i kno im a great person blah blah blah, i dont hate myself i just feel liek a horrible person for things i truly feel and or think. i dunno

im done

Monday, September 21, 2009

i am an imperfect person but at least its me... and i can fix my owm problems, its my made up problems that cant change

you know whenever i drive home from work, i always have awesome ideas to blog about...but when i get near a comp with internet, they all go out the window minus some details...

either way

work sucks
no friends cuz im not there for any breaks, plus they all speak like Portuguese or something
yea like 99$ are Portuguese, and my boss seems like she is high gear all the time, she blinks all the time super fast talks fast, jerks and moves fast its creepy..she always sounds so busy and over worked.

to be honest, i can't wait until dez gets a career whether it be his writing or anything else he so chooses. but to be honest i never really had a real dream, I want to be like my mom, yes i hate cookning and cleaning, but when im alone ive always preferred to do those things
I want to stay home and take care of dez and dom,
by feeling that ive always felt greedy and selfish, but i truly feel that way so why should i feel bad? cuz a select few ppl will look down on me? if they do then I dont care (or at least i'll work thru trying not to care)

i hate working, i hate not being able to control my time, i feel liek im always working, it drives me crazy.
specially with my current work schedule where i only get one day off... liek yea i only work 4 hours, but only one day to sleep in and one day that is completely my own.

I cant lose one day cuz we need as much money as we can,
im hoping if we find a cheaper apt, i may then be able to cut down my hours, and if we move to the west side walmart, cuz then at least i can kinda dress up and look good for my job and make friends or at least acquaintances. and make better hours

which is another reason i dont liek my job, i clean rooms, and pick up hair from bathrooms, i dont get to wear makeup, and when i do its a waste.

i cant wait to move... i hope we can soon... its just so hard to catch up, its like we are just at the line but we cant cross it...

but we are now looking at one bdroom apts, cuz dom can have the room and both doms and our dressers would be in the room, doms toys too, and dez and i sleep in a new futon/hide-a-bed (which we buy when we get cash) in the living room, not much different from what we do now but at least can convert easier.

well that kinda came out in more than bits and pieces, but its a start ^^

PS******* i suck at typing "like" and im too lazy to spell check them all, lol

Friday, September 18, 2009

it makes it seem like its easy to control your emotions

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
Friday, Sep 18, 2009

If things seem to have fallen into a bad pattern with your family lately, just be aware that the best way to change things is to let go of the past and quit reacting so emotionally. If you can manage to do this, then your whole attitude should start improving and you ought to be starting to feel a lot happier with things around the house once again. Read more

Just realize that there's no reason to let old habits take over right now. If you can try to work on developing some new ways of dealing with any family issues, things really ought to start seeming a little more positive and hopeful on the home front before long.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

dfhzsxi lo/fghjfgjfghj,kjbnm,.;n

so every once in a while, i get flashback of my childhood. which always is amazing for me cuz i blocked out my childhood...never sure why. but lately its been a lot of flashbacks, and most of the memories are random ones like
"being excited to look at the sears catalog" when Christmas came"
or like
"playing outside as a kid"
"my mom tickleing me"
"playing with my cabbage patch dolls"
etc etc , but memories that are random

I find its trapped me in my head a bit more, and ive been a bit more angry than i have been, im not sure why but i am kinda enjoying being stuck in my head...
maybe i'll go for a walk tonight when dez gets home, then i can go sit in the park and just think without any tv or ppl, or any noise or non noise...

lol if that makes sense

but i must go prepare lunch for Dominic

Friday, September 11, 2009


What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger....

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


When lost in this twirling emotion
The first touch is almost erotic
Close your eyes and take a deep breath
Exhale and bite down on your bottom lip
Shivers go up and down your spine
as the second touch scales across the skin
this emotion is just to much,
to secretly handle inside
Begin the penetration
Claw your side with your free hand.
Scream and release everything thats inside
Penetrate again and again
Biting and clawing your lips and your side
exhale and smile
Its over and done
That is until next time.

the idea in my head seemed so much better than this did. I was trying to describe a feeling/emotion/action etc, by explaining it through a similiar sounding action (etc)

so the obvious is the sexual intentions of this....verse? but the actual behind the scenes stuff is this is about cutting.
I was watchign a show and it ave me the idea
i duno
it sucks
but i needed to write it, crappy or not

but im done for now

more crap to come XP

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

blinded sight

You know Ive never needed a crutch before, Ive never felt the "i ahve to have" somthing crutch.. yea pot, but that was different, pot used to be the kind of crutch cuz it was fun
but ive hit rock bottom, i now feel as though i need anything and not for fun, i just want to escape, and it scares me, i want to drink, get baked outta my mind or anything to just stop thinking, and yet im nto thinking about anything.
I feel liek a zombie
im desperate to do soemthing, and its so hard to keep these feelings down..
and it doesnt help im alone, dez is working an extra hour tonight so he wont be home until 10ish...
i cannot stand it
its never been this bad before...
i just feel done
i dont know
im venting no one has to worry about me =)
im going to go lay down

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

off the wall

With all the awesome happy things happening lately....
I still feel like shit
All I want to do is sleep all day and eat...
I've fallen so far down.
I dont want to play any video games with dez i just basically want to go to sleep when he gets home.
I hate feeling like this but i dont know how to get out if it.
I dont know how to fix it

on a happier note
To be honest i cant wait go dress shopping and figuring out wedding plans
I have some neat plans, a gothic victorian, part of me wants moer goth than victorian thats dezs thing but we shall see

back to bad things

I wanna scream
i want to be able to have an interest in something again
I wish things didnt always seem like such a turnoff...

I want a weekend away from everything and everyone, and dez and I have talked and he agreed, but i dunno, staying a couple nights at my dads woudl suck cuz i cant take another sunday off work they wont like it and one day wont do it.. so im gunna have to wait a bit..

arrg, i dunno
i cant even type anymore, i used to enjoy typing and blogging and writing poetry and being creative with photos

i just want to be a person again...
i dunno what to think anymore

Friday, July 31, 2009

Burning Bright --> Shinedown

I feel like there is no need for conversation
Some questions are better left without reason
And I would rather reveal myself than my situation
Now and then I consider, my hesitation

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend Im burning
Burning bright

I wonder if the things I did were just to be different
To spare myself of the constant shame of my existence
And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation
Here and now I'll express, my situation

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend Im burning bright

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend Im burning

Theres nothing ever wrong but nothings ever right
Such a cruel contradiction
I know I cross the lines its not easy to define
Im born to indecision
Theres always something new some path Im supposed to choose
With no particular rhyme or reason

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend Im burning bright

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend Im burning

I feel like there is no need for conversation

Sunday, July 12, 2009


What kind of soul do you have --off facebook ><

You have come out with the Oceanic soul type. This would describe you as a person who is generally happy inside with an array of surfacing moods that tend to effect the people around you more than you would like. You are very busy dealing with things that seem like they would make no sense to the people in your life. You long for communion emotionally with someone but can't seem to find anyone who fits the bill. It is exceedingly important for an Oceanic soul to realize they are part of something by nature that is so vast, so incredible, so infinitely changing that they do not need to 'connect' the way they have learned to think that they do. All they really need to do is take notice of the beauty they are a real bonafide part of and participate fully. It is by exerting will in this small behavioral way that will bring them into a light that is very attractive to the right kind of people for them. Ironically, once an Oceanic realizes what they are a part of and starts to really willfully participate, they no longer feel such a need for connection.. cest la vie.. so get busy Oceanic soul! You have a lifetime of tides to ebb and flow through, and a whole world of beauty to be a part of.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Girl on the floor - Ayria <3

Mirror mirror, on the wall
I'm just someone with no self control
You don't know the real me, but you get a glimpse so you paint a picture
So vivid, but just so wrong

This little girl is broken this time
I've seen things no one should ever have to see
I paint a smile on to tell the world I'm doing fine
While everything I've known flies out the window

I just want to leave this situation
I don't want to reach this destination
Can't you see I've lost the motivation
I want to leave this situation

Mirror mirror, on the wall
You see a girl with no self control
You ask what I want, it's complicated
The truth is, I don't know

I guess it's not enough to be there sometimes
But I've been dealt a hand no one should ever have to play
I guess I've really messed up this time
I'm too tired to fake the strength behind this lie


And now I sit here, all alone and bored
My head is filled with advice I once ignored:
That all you get from this moment, is all you gave to your past
And all you'll get from this moment, is what you gave to your past

I'm turning to the next thing
I laugh just for this moment
I'm crying on the bathroom floor
'Cause nothing is the same
Turning to the next one
Then we're laughing for the moment
I'm crying on the bathroom floor
I can not regain strength


And now I sit here, all alone and bored
My head is filled with advice I once ignored:
That all you get from this moment, is all you gave to your past
And all you'll get from this moment, is what you gave to your past

i enjoy this song <3

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Angel still wants to rant

What would you do if you saw your ex on the road on fire?
1. What would you do if you saw your ex on the road on fire?

Depends which ex. Some I would have a bucket of water ready, others, a bucket of gas.

2. Your best friend tells you shes's pregnant, what's your reacton?

thats awesome! dom has a friend! :p

3. When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in the face?


4. What was the last thing you spent money on?

a pot for roasting ribs

5. Do you think you've gained r lost weight this month?


6. Crunchy or Puffy Cheetos?


7. Someone on your friends list just called you a bitch. What do you say?

Not the first time, won't be the last. Moving on...

8. Congratulations! You've just had a son, what's his name?


9. Congratulations! You've just had a daughter, what's her name?
Dustie Sylea

10. What are you craving right now?

11. What was the last thing you cried about?
being over stressed and anger'd

12. When you buy something and your change is 2 cents, do you keep it or tell the cahier to keep it?

Tell them to keep it.

13. What color is your tissue box?

Who cares?

14. Do you have a ceiling fan, and if so, does it have dust on it?

no but i can guess it would have

15. What is the last voicemail you received about?

Randeah asking about dezs day at work

16. Have you ever blocked someone ojn your friends list before?


17. Scariest thing you've experienced in the last year?

identity crisis

18. Do you wear a name tag at work?

No, I don't wear a name tag at home.

19. What kind of car do you drive?
...i prefer to not talk about it lol

20. What do you order when you go to Taco Bell?

dont really go there

21. Have you ever had a garage sale?


22. What color is your ipod?

I love how it just assumes everyone has one. I don't.

23. What is the last alcoholic beverage you had?

orange smoothie cooler

24. Are you happy right now?

25. Who came over last?
Dez's dad for supper

26. Do you drink beer?

Yuck. I do, but yucky

27. Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?

28. What is your favorite key on your key chain?

umm the one for the house?

29. Wht was the last movie you watched?


30. What is in your pocket?

:O! dont have pockets!

31. Who introduced you to your bf/gf/husband/wife?
TUG, we introduced ourselves

32. Where do you hurt?
my tummy

33. Has someone ever made you a build a bear?

no, but i want too

34. What's something fun you did today?
watch start trek? today had lots of cleanign and i dont like cleaning

35. What is our favorite isle at Walmart?

they are all pretty good, the wallet section? and the toys

36. When is your birthday?


37. Is there anything hanging from your review mirror?

no :( but on a side note i miss my handcuffs that used to be hanging from my old cars rear view mirror

38. How many states in the US have you been to?

39. What kind of milk do you drink?

2% but im cool with any

40. What are you going to do after this?

start trek!

41. Who was the last person you went shopping with?

42. What is something you need to go shopping for?

a lot of things lol

43. Do you have the same name as one of your relatives?
I have an aunt angele basck when that was my name

44. What kind of car do your parents drive?

a truck...

45. Are you rich?


47. What color is your couch?
Blue with flowers

48. What famous person do you look like?
i unno i was once told i looked like an old member from kittie... and side note >>Nin garbage rocks <3

49. Does someone like you right now?


50. Say you were given a pregnancy test right now. Would you pass or fail?

I would pass.

51. Favorite pop-tart flavor?

Blueberry. mmmm

52. Do you know any in jail/prison?

53. What are you plans for the weekend?
same as every weekend

54. Do you like the color green?


55. Who was the last person you sent an instant message to?

no one

56. Last restaurant you went to?

does Mcdonalds count as going to a restaurant?

57. How many hours did you sleep last night?


58. Do you swear at your parents?

Swear AT them? No. Swear in their presence? sometimes...

59. Do you think someone is thinking of you right now?


60. What's the best lessons you've learned in life?

People Take Different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road, doesn't mean they've gotten lost.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

so the large hadron collider has been turned on .
For those who dont know what it does here ya go:

It is the world's largest and highest-energy particle accelerator, intended to collide opposing particle beams.. super super fast... and millions upon millions... when two hit,in theory it will re-create the big bang and the beginning of life.. One downfall, they have said there is no chance, but it could create a black hole and kill us all instantly...prolly painfully too, black holes don't sound nice.

The chances of that happening is barely even possible but for the sake of it happening by lucky chance, we would all die.. but they think we are safe...
this thing is huge its underground like 2/3 country's (a chunk from all) its massive..

Pictures of the machine:

so yae thats eerie, but either way it has been officially turned on...
not dead yet...


still here


Thursday, June 18, 2009


A million faces, each a million lies
for each and all a chrome disguise
prompts for action, force reaction
embody promise in a sheen so pure.
Hurt, the measure of blind ambition,
the testament to your singular disease.
Against all wisdom you heed no warning,
your desires giving you away.

If I could change your mind,
I wouldn't save you from the path you wander.
In desperation dreams, any soul can set you free.
And I still hear you scream,
in every breath, in every single motion.
Burning innocence, the fire to set you free.

Your actions turn conquest to dust.
Importance of fate, you foolishly place trust.
Sense fear in your broken breathing.
Resort to shadows till your body expires.
All creation has the promise of heaven,
and still you travel the road to hell.
I'm saying nothing for the good of myself,
but I'm still talking and you're not listening.

If I could change your mind,
I wouldn't save you from the path you wander.
In desperation dreams, any soul can set you free.
And I still hear you scream,
in every breath, in every single motion.
Burning innocence, the fire to set you free.

As night descends upon the city,
the streets are cold, the lights go by.
And in the stories of the people,
a million faces, a million lies.
They'll never say they feel what you feel,
that they can see the world you see.
And in their faces, their expressions,
a million faces, a million lies.

vnv nation - Chrome

Monday, June 15, 2009

Don't you hate it when your head and you heart have two different opinions.

I sure do

btw an awesome picture

Friday, June 12, 2009

for nin

lol best one I have currently. lol
man im tired, back to sleep

Monday, June 8, 2009

Drug Induced Fantasy

So I was doing really good there for a while, but my pessimistic attitude has returned, not sure why, but i guess i cant win the first time... I have to try and be more patient.

So Dominic had his first sleep in his toddler bed last night... He did awesome, went to sleep well, and when we checked on him later on he was so cute...

and in the morning I opened his door and he was laying in bed with many of his other toys... so it was cute, and im glad he stayed in bed... lol
lets see how long it lasts..

Currently addicted to, sims 3... its okay, a lot like sims 2 but th timing is much better... lol it doesnt take hours to go pee or eat :P
I cant wait for some expansions. I really want to get a legit copy of sims 3


Off to play sims!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


I get to see her on wed night! OMG!
and totally have an after party with her too me thinks!
Brady is buying my way in at walkers, Im so excited!!!!

I love her!!
Nin you should check her facebook, you may like her type of music?


i cant wait....

Friday, May 15, 2009

socks and such

The Bad

Went from fulltime to casual hours at work... all because they keep hiring too many "management positions" and then having to cut the rest of us down with no warning.
So im making next to no money from working.
So that makes me a bit angry.

My internet is funked. i dont know whats going on with mozilla but its annoying me. If my igoogle gadgets completely load it'll crash the internet.. if i send an email it instantly closes. Same as a msg in facebook. If i have more than one tab open..

no money for drinks at vortex =[

My hair is all uneven and needs a cut so badly.. Good news though, the pink is holding strong. =]

The Good

Going to the vortex tomorrow night (the sad: Dez prolly wont come cuz our babysitter had to cancel, but he may be hanging with chris at our place? still waiting on confirmation) So it'll just be me and brady and Nin + her sister maybe. Apparently only clean un marking shoes can be worn on the dance floor. (super clean no sand/rocks nothing) So sock dancing may be required. we'll see how well I can clean my boots.

I have an interview at Ardenes in centre mall tomorrow morning before work. Hope I can get full time hours there if im hired.

I love my psp. Its awesome. The games rock. So far we have Crisis core final fantasy 7, Final Fantasy 1 psp version, some war game for dez and ratchet and clank game. We wanna buy worms open warfare cuz it look awesome but we have to wait till we have spending cash again.
We also bought a hacked battery online with our new prepaid mastercard :P (the debit like ones that can go online from moneymart) so we will be abel to add a snes emulator plus more... hehe more final fantasy and mario! hehehehe

Random Thoughts

>I really want to get new body jewelery, maybe a stud again for my nose, a ball for my lip and some sort of new eyebrow ring. I need a change.

>man next month im going to be 21... its weird to think about. Last year i was freaking cuz i was turning 20, and that bugged me/overjoyed me more than turning 21, oh well. life goes on

>i need a new mouse for my comp too.. hmm...

> Doms been cute lately, horrible temper... but still cute. He loves playing outside. and he is getting better with staying close to us outside.

> Tysene and my mom have been in the back of my mind, ive been stuck in a rut trying to understand death, and i kno you really cant, especially without faith, so its just an annoying loop. I wish neither of them had to pass on, I miss them both very much.
Ive been getting more memories from my childhood (i had blocked most of my happy times out when my mom passed, wasnt ready to handle all of the mommy and me times i guess) and sometime they flood in and i cant stand it, its like the most intense pain is inside me and not physical but so painful and i just need to scream and cry and fall to the ground and never get up. and lucky for me they happen at the most convenient times, like at work... but ive been learning to handle them. Im also starting to enjoy some of the memories, they still hurt but i can smile sometimes now with the recurring ones.

>im sleepy... and its only 10 pm... I suck..


Sunday, April 12, 2009


So im going try and make a dj list for the underground on the 18th. I usually hate making lists cuz one im lazy and two I like playing off the ppl and the mood i feel when im djing, but maybe I will try.

I'll attempt my list tomorrow hopefully. I'll update.

Any suggestions?

(music that can be played : gothic rock, darkwave, industrial, 80s rock


Friday, April 10, 2009


arg. stupid job.

Didnt get paid today, even tho they told me the cut off dates are sat (i had started working before last sat) and they cant find my paycheck so they gave up (after not calling me back for 4 hours) and said it will be added to my next paycheck. sob..

honestly, i clearly dont need the money, so therefore they dont care. bills have to be paid, food has to be bought. but what do they care, they are just un-intelligent humans that when they dont know what to do they just give up or push it further away and stop caring.

I just want to work with ppl who are intelligent.
im sick of this.

in wanna punch something..

I hate living in today's society. Everything is created to make life easier. and so brings on ppl who are lazy and dont care.
and i will gladly admit i am also one of the lazy ones, very much so, but I dont push things to the side when i dont like the outcome, or if i dont know what to do. I figure things out. I try to help ppl whens there is a problem. but most ppl just sweep it under the rug.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Sunday, April 5, 2009

body pain

tiredness. my legs and arms are soe, but i think im doing ok. still havent learned till so I feel useless a lot, but ive been helping in the fitting rooms. I actually gave a good fashion idea to a little girl an dher mom.

the little girl was just pre teen amd i think her mom was tryign to help her be cool cuz she was a bit bigger and all that. The mom didnt want any low cut tops or with holes near the top. SO i helped her find some, and we got a nice tank top and the length was long (as they all are nowadays) and I suggested she scrunch it up at the bottom and it really did help to hide her tummy bump, the mom even aproved.
i felt useful, lol
I also helped some parents find some skull-less tshirts.. paernts aer funny when they buy kids clothing.

so yea pain, still not "loving" the job, but i think i may need time to understand everything.

taknig the bus isnt too bad, still a bit cold while waiting for the ide home. But its only a 10 min bus ride. Really short and simple.

im excited to have 2 days off though. my body hurts.

Friday, April 3, 2009

First day

First day at stitches. I loved the ppl who work with me, they are all awesome. So far hate the job. Its so easy that it is annoying and diffucult to find more thigns to do when the store is near empty. When everythgn is clean all ppl are being helped. There isnt much left to do but stand there, but then you get in trouble, so most the gils just randomly make messes with the pants (accidently knock over pile etc) so they have somethign to do.

I hope once i learn till it will be better i hate floor work.. lol

second day tomrorow.

PS thinking it still may be worth it for the discount ^_-

Thursday, April 2, 2009

New Adventures

So I start work tomorrow. yay! lol. Im excited and scared, i hope the job and staff dont suck, the shift leader is awesome tho.
I ended up getting a bus pass, cuz its only like a 10 min ride plus I wont have to pay for parking. and we are broke so we wouldn't be able to afford the gas.cuz SGI is a horrible company ><
yes... they keep fucking up on our auto pays. a couple months ago they took out 3 payments in one month (differ dates too) and they did it again, but only a double and im annoyed that was gonna buy me lunches for when I work. but it'll take a week or so to be re-paid. Stupid sgi...

Bradys moved in, ymore yays, but i think dez and i need to learn to open up some more, we stay locked up in our rooms at night and we don adventure down to the main floor often. lol Once we get used to it we may see her more often.

So yea back to work, i get a 20% discount there suzy shier, urban planet, mariposa, sirens... lol its pretty sweet.

i downloaded The legend of dragoon for ps1 and im playing it currently ^^

what else...

oh yea we have an awesome new chair in the living room and a new coffee table/end table. They are pretty nice, wood with glass tops.


"Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye Aww he's being eaten by a shark." - Gir "Invader Zim"

Sunday, March 15, 2009

link to the timelines

I have no physical urge to write anything in my blog. Yet I do desire to write. I used to enjoy writing. When i was alone. I dont like writing with someone else in the room. I like writing in complete peace, i open up to myself more.
So its hard to wanna type out a blog.
I think its because my depression.
also a trigger from that, i think, is some ideas that have come into my head. (nothing bad guys dont worry) its just a decision I suddenly want to make. yet the choices both feel integrated into me. I cannot pick, for both i am loving and both i am selfish. I cannot win., SO i want a clear head before i think about it. Its hard, and distracting, but im just going to have to try and push thru a little harder to try and keep myself from plunging into a deep depression... (sounds fun eh?? :P)

i just want to be better....

sleep now.
Goodnight. <3 >WAML<

Monday, March 9, 2009


Full Name: Angel Lucille Thebeau
Nickname(s): ---deejay? if anyone called me that :P
Birthday: june 19 88
Hometown: Zelma
Where you live now:toontown
Weight: umm maybe 115 or 120
Shoe Size: 7.5
Parent(s): Penny and Emery Thebeau
Siblings: Jay, Dusten, Trent, Kurtis
Bestfriend(s): Dez and Brady
Boy/Girlfriend: Dez!
Pet(s): Snake


Colour(s): i like all colors, black ,pink, purple and red mostly
Show(s): House supernatural, gossip girl, ANTM is good too
Movie(s): Howls moving castle, The Prestige, batman, the last unicorn, the fountain, and more prolly, OMG willow :P
Actress(s):umm reese witherspoon?
Actor(s): johnny depp, christian bale, Patrick stewart, Hugh Jackman, prolly more
Song(s): The last unicorn and poison by groove coverage.
Singer(s): way to many to list.
Band(s):see above
DJ(s): me! :P lol no, umm again i like many. i cant just choose a few.
Food(s): poutine
Drink(s): pepsi and milk
Alcoholic Drink(s): Singapore sling
Memory(s):too many
Personal Item(s): my goth cuff bracelet.
Peice Of Clothing: technically my black angel pants but they still dont fit.. so, my black jeans.
Gift Ever Give To You: ha...umm too many.
Sport(s): Gymnastics
Thing To Do: comp?
Boys Name(s): Dominic
Girls Name(s):Sylea and Keeda
Book(s): Wheel of Time, and i do still love sweet
Cartoon(s):gummie bears, gargoyles, invader zim
Flower(s):lilacs roses
Season(s): summer/fall
Holiday(s): thanksgiving...mmm turkey and pumpkin pie


What do you think of the way you look?: I think i enjoy it.
What do you think about your attitude?: could be better and im trying,
What do you think about life after death?: iegh.. im not sure...and im always thinking of it.
What do you think about karma?: could be
What do you think about love?: it can be found
What do you think about fate?:always beign re-written, but it is there
What do you think about your self?: depends, soemtimes i hate myself other times im happy with me.
What do you tell yourself if times get hard?: ?
What would you give your life for?: dom
What do you think about your first love?: jerk
What do you think about the first person that loved you?: jerk
What are you scared of?: spiders
What was the saddest moment of your life so far?: Not sure
What would life be without friends?: horrible
Without family?: livable..


If all of a sudden you had the ability to do one thing better than everyone else, have one amazing talent, what would it be? something useful?

If you had any say whatsoever in what you would be named, what would you have named yourself?
angele/angel was a good pick
What kind of relationship are you looking for or currently in? forever term :P

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?dunno

Let's say that two days from now the world were to end...what would you spend your last hours doing? ive been thinkign that about 2012, i do believe it, but onmly out of fear. umm maybe cry and be confused in all honesty.

Are you sterotyped? sure

Do you prefer short talk or deep conversations? both can be fun

Who can you spill your feelings to and feel completely relieved afterwards? no one yet. Dez is almost there lol :p but i am a very inner person.

What's a quote that means a lot to you or represents you or your outlook on life?
"People Take Different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road, doesn't mean they've gotten lost."

When you dream, do you see what's happening in a character's view or camera type view? both

What is your character usually in your dreams? usually me, but changes

Do you daydream? not really, I dont really have a visual memory or imagination.

What do you dream about? many things

Which 5 people do you trust and are open with the most? Dez, brady, troy, and thats all...i guess

What do you think of soulmates? they coudl be real

What's an object you can't live without?comp? or a car

What's something you ALWAYS have on you? my piercings

Wouldn't you just love to hug someone right now? sure

What's your opinion on love? it takes work, its not some easy fairy tale.

What's a happy memory of a time you've spent with the opp. sex? Hanging out down by the river and the flame that doesnt go out. talking with an old and missed friend.

What's the nicest thing any one has ever told you? ive been told a lot of nice things I cannot chose.

If you died tomorrow who would you leave everything you own to? Dom and Dez

If you won the lottery what would you do with your, let's say, 18 million dollars?
buy a house and a car or two, and schooling for dom.

What thing always makes your day when it happens/ you see it?: <3Dominic

What one thing about a friend always pisses you off?: i have many ppl peeves.

What confuses you the most about life?: death and the point

Do you like your life? Why or why not?: tough question

What is your greatest achievement?:i havent done all that much but having Dom I would say.

What is the one thing you regret?: i have many but i doubt i would change anything.

What is your inner most dream?:dunno, dont really have one i guess

If you could have one wish, what would it be?: To have money right now?

Do you wish have children?: I have one
If so, how many?: 1

What year of your life has been the best for you so far?: 16-17

What one person has totally had impact on your life?: too many

Is there anyone you ever let go and wish hadn't?: yupp

What thought do you find you self thinking of the most daily?: death, missing ppl, the past, the future.

What time do you wake up in the morning? sometimes too early.

What _______ do you use? (if any)
-facewash: changes by prices lol
-soap/bodywash:changes by prices lol
-lotion: some cool bamboo stuff Nin gave me!
-perfume/lotion:some neat citris stuff nin got me
-toothpaste: aquafresh
-mouthwash: changes
-deoderent:i dont actually kno, but it smells like watermelon :P
-shampoo/conditioner: changes
-astringent: ?
-hair products: changes
-upkeep products: changes

What is one thing no one else knows about you?: if I told then I wouldnt have one

What is your worst fear?: Death

What annoys you? sometimes everything....

Sunday, March 8, 2009


ABC's nd I have prolly done this several times

A is for age: 20
B is for booze: Singapore sling
D is for Dad's name: Emery Alcid (sp?)
E is for essential items to bring to a party: a party? means no Dom... umm fun :P
F is for favourite song at the moment: ... sweet dreams <3
G is for game: DnD
H is for hometown: Zelma.
I is for instruments you play: comp? :P djing
J is for jam or jelly you like: raspberry?
K is for kids: Dominic
L is for love: Dez <3
M is for Mom's name: Penny
N is for name of your bestfriends: Dez and Brady
O is for overnight hospital stays: 5 days total.
P is for phobias: other ppls feet (i agree nin) spiders and most all insects
Q is for quote you like: "You have sexy shoulders" lol -anon
R is for reality show: blah
S is for siblings: 4 older brothers
T is for time you go to bed: between 10:30-2am
U is for university: Nah.
V is for vegetables you love: Broccoli
W is for worst trait: nail biting? and/or my short temper
X is for x-rays you've had: No idea. A few. Who cares anyway. They just couldn't think of another question for X. It's ALWAYS x-ray for X. New word people. ****I agree again Nin!
Y is for yummy food: poutine<3<3<3
Z is for zodiac sign: Gemini. Explains my personality quarrels...


lack of sleep


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Simple Definitions
so I found that cute... and seeing as the pic doesnt seem to show fully on my blog preview there is the link for the rest of it.

Brady is moving in with us in April!!! im so excited! Im hoping she will make me leave the house a bit more with her lol. Im so excited!
i miss having freinds.

when i got pregnant i panicked, and i kinda ditched all my friends, and when i moved to allan i lost contact with most.
Ive always had problems making friends. Ive been trying, but its tuff. And a lot of my old friends dont even live in stoon. making it that much harder to talk.

since i was little i always have wanted a friend to call me up and say "hey lets go shopping" and do coffee/shopping etc" and take pictures of our adventure at the mall etc, but for some reason ive never found anyone liek that. And for some reason i have problems beign the one to start those adventures.

Im also excited to coem back from disneyland so i can order my transcripts so i can apply to Marvel for may!!! I really hope i get in im excted a bit scared too..

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


Let others know a little more about yourself, re-post this as your name
followed by "ology"


What is your salad dressing of choice?

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
I enjoy many

What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of it?

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Pep and mushroom

What do you like to put on your toast?


How many televisions are in your house?

What color cell phone do you have?


Are you right-handed or left-handed?

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
chairs? lol the one was kinda heavy?

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?


If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
depends what my state of mind is at the time, one day i would the next not

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000
EW. prolly not


How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
only one :( i miss flip flops

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
1.5 years ago? lol

Last person you talked to:?
Dez in person or brady on msn

Last person you hugged?


early fall


Day of the week?
I don't like any particular day.

I guess I don't like any particular day of the month either.


Missing someone?


What are you listening to?

Nothing right now.

Worrying about?


First place you went this morning?
To my bathroom.

What's the last movie you saw?

Do you smile often?
ive been trying to more recentrly


1)Do you always answer your phone?
If I know who it is.

2) You love...?
My friends

3) If you could change your eye color what would it be?
green... Ive always wanted green eyes.. lol but i love my brown

4) What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
No Clue.

5) Do you own a digital camera?

6)Have you ever had a pet fish?
never had one

7) Favorite Christmas song?
let it snow maybe? i liek them all tho

8) What's on your wish list for your birthday?
to get out of this hole im in

9) Can you do push ups?
a couple.. lol

10) Can you do a chin up?

11) Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Scared as hell.

13) Ever been in a car wreck?
not really

14) Do you have an accent?
Doesn't everyone?

15) What is the last song to make you cry?
poison - groove coverage

16) Plans tonight?
star trek? high? i dunno

17) Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
im not there yet but im getting close

18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday:
dnd Mascot :P lamp and a lightbulb?

19) Have you ever been given roses?
Dezzy does!

20) Current worry?
bills/my life

21) Current hate right now?

22) Met someone who changed your life?
a lot

23) How did you bring in the New Year?
hung out with friends

24) What song represents you?

25) Name three people who might complete this?
i unno

26) What were you doing 12 AM last night?
star trek ^^

27) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
im so tired!!!! uuggghh

Monday, February 23, 2009

brady check your facebook!!! lol

Saturday, February 21, 2009

still no job, but im still looking, soon going to have to resort to fast food.. bleh

on the plus side tho
Brady is moving in aroudn April! hehe im so excited, it'll be fun.
She is gunna live in the basement and our comp in our room. hehehe

and more awesome news, friday afternoon chad and brady came over and he taught us how to play Dungeons and dragons, and the 3 of us were playing from 330 to about 11. I am a Elf class rogue so i getting slip in and out and steal things unlock locks.. hehe
Dez is a halfling (half the hieght of a human) and a druid. Brady is a half elf sorcer!
its awesome, and chad is the dm, Oh that was so fun, we are meeting up on thurs again but i mmust watch star trek

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Tuesday, February 17, 2009



USING ONLY ONE WORD! It's not as easy as you might think! It's really hard to only use one word answers.....

1.Your Cell phone? awesome

2. Your significant other? annoying lol but adorable

3. Your hair? growign out! :(

4. Your mother? missed

5. Your father? lol

6. Your favorite thing? my-golden-heart-ring <3(it was one word)

7. Your dream last night? forget

8. Your favorite drink? pepsi

9. Your dream/goal? none

10. What room you are in? Basement.

11. Your hobby? computer

12. Your fear? many

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? unconfused

14. Where were you last night? Bed.

15. Your heart? Taken.

16. Muffins? mmm

17. Wish list item? Freedom.

18. Where you grew up? Zelma!

19. Last thing you did? smoke!

20. What are you wearing? Clothes.

21. Your TV? upstairs

22. Your pets? snakey!

23. Friends? eehhhyea

24. Your life? looping

25. Your mood? Undecided.

26. Missing someone? Yes.

27. Car? yea

28. Something you're not wearing? shoes

29. Your favorite store? dollarama

30. Your favorite color? red

31. Your motto? thinking

32. Something you say all the time? Sorry.

33. When is the last time you laughed? Earlier.

34. Last time you cried? Always.

35. Who will resend this? Meh.

36. One place that I go to over and over? shower?

37. One person who emails me regularly? none

38. Favorite place to eat? Grill.

39. Why you participated in this survey? Geek.

40. What are you doing tonight? flying!