Friday, January 29, 2010

I dont care who reads this, its all true so whatever

things have gone so wrong these past couple months, dez started getting sick and you know that sucked, but once he got super sick/in pain, its so bad, he feels so crappy, and he has to stay home, and he tries so hard when he goes to work, but some days he cant even sit up or get out of bed, so he stays home, im trying so freaking hard to get a job cuz we cant live like this, dezzys paychecks lately have been like 200...
we are so screwed, bills are piling up and calling us, i can seem to get a job for anything, i even applied at a&w and i had 2 friends to vouche for me, still no call backs

and im honestly scared that one morning we are going to wake up with everything shut off paying utilities is way over our heads, this place is so hard to keep.

im just so angry and frusterated, and i hate having to ask people for help all the time, but i do when i need to, like I asked my dad for liek 20$ gas so dez can get to work for the next 2 weeks.. wont work but no other real choices.

we need a place in stoon like a oney loan place but not just a paycheck loan (we'd only get less than 200 cuz thats what dezzy has been making) and we need like a large sum to pay everything off, to start new, and then have another bill that like we can pay off monthly so we dont have to worry about freezing or being kicked out.

its so hard to aditt we are failing at life and being responcible, we are failing at everything, and its y fault, i know it, if i could have kept my job... im trying so hard....
i wish there was a way to fix this, and again well a job fixes it, well i cant get one, dez ay have his new job at hoem depot here soon hopefully, which pays more than his does now, but still, we are so screwed right now that it doesnt help, all of our money goes to bills food and rent, oh and we buy ourselves pop, and then we have 0... gas is included with groceries, and its ainly food for dom lately, we have had a lots of frozen food from my dads xmas present, but its running low|


im just falling apart, when i work i get so stressed that i have to scream andclench my fists to calm down and it takes a bit, and that sucks, prolly what helped contribute to my getting fired, cant afford anti depressants cuz im SURE its the cause, so why go to the doc when i cant afford the meds. so i cant seem to get a new job, and we are just getting by.... doms being a brat lately, he stil has his cute moments, but he is now having freak out moments where if we tell him no, he will try to slap or throw toys hard at you/wall... and everything piling up its so hard to hold on to reality.... :(


and just for reference, im not typing this up because i want sympathy or money, i just need to get it out and talking to dez about it is sometimes more stressful, so im typing it here in my blog cuz its what i do when im sad or angry or hhurting.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Friday, January 22, 2010

all i feel like

i cant wait until Dominic is older... I wish he would listen more... and calm down and do things slowly.

So many things he should be able to do he cant cuz he wont sit still and let us teach him... its so straining, like we went to walmart today and we let him walk in the toys and when we asked hi mto come back or stop runnign away etc he wont...

:( and if we pick hi mup he screams and kicks..

i wish he would calm down and listen... he is all action and its hard to deal with

i mean we are trying to potty train him and he is good or going on the potty when we put him there -- he still doesnt tell us when he needs to go yet_--
but we bought pull ups for him though and we are trying to teach him to pull up the front and the back, but he only pulls up the front, and when we try to show him where his hands go to pull up the back he freaks and waves his ars and tries to runaway

I kno he is at his own stage and he is 2 1/2 but its hard

and its tough seeing all my brothers other kids excelling at everything, and again i know dom isnt wrong or anything just going at his own pace but i still feel like im doing something wrong or i already did when dom was little

i just wish i didnt feel like a failure all the time
its such a hard feeling to get over..

but its Dominic's bed time

gotta run

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

so we've been thinking a lot, and we are hoping we can come to a equal decision.
What we have in mind is dez can go to his dads, Dom and I will get a 1 Bd apt, and after 6 months or a year (prolly a year) if dez keeps his average at a pre-determined grade he can come home, but if his grades drop he has to go back.
personally i think its fair but maybe im a bit biased. oh well

Either way looking on the goodside we get dez every weekend :) and i get to decorate my very own apt!

im hoping to get a downtown apt, liek a highrise :) so it'll be dom and me, he will have the room, the couch will be a futon or hidea bed and i'll sleep there but share doms closet, it'll be cool.

its going to suck beign a lone, i hate being alone, but im hoping i can have friends over most nights and stuff so it shouldnt be too bad.

so im making a list in my head of fun things to buy or new things i will need for the apt.

where else to keep a list than in my blog.... seeing as this wont happen until min. summer or fall.

-New microwave - ours is crap and like...20 years old haha
-new futon/hideabed - cuz dezzys wont sit upright like a couch - cushion too thick haha
-new dressors for Dom and I -sigh- ours are all liek broken, its sad
-new coffee machine cuz again ours sucks, i would like a programmable one :)
-i want to have a single/twin bed for dom by that time, his isnt holding up well now that he jumps on the bed.
-i want a bif corner "pot" with liek those sticks in them, ive always liked those
-I want a fern, i like ferns
- a ps2 is cool, we sold ours a while ago

lol yay for saving up. Sadly though im not going to have the big tv, for space reasons and cuz i could never move it, im going to hopefully stash it at my dads and use a slightly smaller tv, its cool

and im going to start taking up crats and stuff, like string voodo dolls they are cute to make and i can sell em :) and learnign to draw anime i might try that too
but im stilling coming up with ideas on how to pass the time, im not good a lone, so i'd be at the mall lot, at least when dom woudl let me. so hopefully i can set up some good times to have friends over :)
anime and sushi nights
movie nights

but dom made a homemade slide thats not...good.. lol


Monday, January 4, 2010

love it

so i love the slow cooker we got for xmas from my dad

Its awesome and the recipe books we got have awesome ideas. I cant wait to try them.
but a lot of the refipes im missing like 2 things that are prolly pretty important, but i'll learn how to shop for groceries one day, im hoping the slow cooker will help.

Man im so excited, i wanna make lasagna, i have a recipe for it, but cheese is exspensive :( which is sad, but we pretty much have everything else..
man ive been craving lasagna for like months, but never have any. And i dont liek buying pre-made ones cuz they are always icky - not true, i had one brand I loved but they changed the recipe and it sucks now.

see my fav lasagna woudl be

a thick meat tomato sauce, with tons of cheese mmmm cheese, and onions are cool as long as they are super small or a lot of powder.. mmm.... and i lost my train of thought, Dom interrupted me so oh well, some veggies are cool i guess

again i lost my train of thoust so w/e lasagne is good as long as there isnt a tong of hugh onions..

maybe after we get out of this christmas brokeness..

ooo i also found another neat recipe in one of my books

its called 'Cola Ham'
lol and its basically hamd slow cooked in spices etc and cola (also a cola paste oon it too) I cant wait to try it, mainly only because of the cola thing, i love cola :P
but dez doesnt like ham so oh well, one day :P

i have an icecapp so my concentration is

mmmm icecappp

but im off for now


Saturday, January 2, 2010

woot breakdowns

So Dylan and his gf are staying here, its pretty cool, minus the 'personal bubble' interference..

Ive been so broken lately. I was pushing so hard to keep strong and charge through this...but I can't push anymore. I feel like im empty, like im so drained there is nothing left to use to start rebuilding.

I cry every 20 mins, and like hardcore, my mood is through the roof (poor dezzy) its hard to hold up a front with company though...

its gotten bad, and normally (most ppl who kno me) know that Im terrified of 2012 happening (predicted end of the world)

and ive always worried (yes i kno no point if it happens it happens, but thats not what this topic is about)anyways ive always been scared if it, many reasons and it just sucks, dieing is no fun, alone or with the entire earth,
back to the point

Im slowly starting to not care about that anymore, and its because im so drained and since i feel so empty, the end of the world doesnt seem so bad anymore
*****note - im not saying i want to kill myself or die*****


so to sum it up

life sucks