O.o

awkwardness..
How it ruins things.
Oh sometimes it can be cute, yes
but how it can remove friends from your life
is not cute...at all.
I lost one of my best friends,
because of pretty much an awkward situation
and im really sad
it threw me off course for a while
but its okay, Im doing okay.
just wanted to say I miss you old friend
and no matter what your always in my heart <3

welcome back drama

ha
so lifes awesome
and thats both true and sarcastic, lol

if I get approved for student loans I get to go to school on Sept 7th for my photography, so yay, but im not holding much hope for that, but if I cant get in this year I have aa wicked backup plan of traveling and building my portfolio. so win win situation.

so yay for win wins
lol

what else has been going on, not much, been chillin in the city as much as possible.

too lazy today

fuck I need to update soon


but I am alive

so lately life blows.
I have felt very unwanted - not unloved just unwanted. The stress of moving, and the stress of thinking about in 2 weeks, its just going to be Dominic and me at my dads. Dez will be here at his Dads, but him going to school is for the best and thats what is helping me get through this.

Ive been missing my mom alot, im glad I dyed my hair, with the brown everytime I would side glance at a mirror i would see my mom in me and it hurt.. and when I look at Dominic I see tysene and i also see dez and me and dom as a family.. so looking around is a pissy deal for me right now.

But with everything Im dealing with, I think I can "understand" why someone would want to kill themselves, I still stick by the fact that suicide is a waste and plus going to hell isnt worth it,but I can understand how much stress can make you want to just end it all. I think I know how Tysene felt being over-whelmed.

Im scared/nervous about moving to allan and my dad, and becky... its just odd, im so used to just my dad, and now becky is in the picture with her rules and feelings and viewpoints (some of which are dumb haha)

so this will be... fun... Dom and I are sharing the bedroom in the basement, and the side storage room im going to set up for my computer, so our room will be a bit cramped, but we will be upstairs and outside most of the time.

Im hoping to pay off all my debt asap so I can maybe improve my credit and get an apt.. but if i pay it all off how well does that fix my credit?
and if it only fixes a little bit of my credit how can I quickly fix it to the point that someone will rent to me?

Ive asked a few basement suites (in ppls houses) cuz they dont do credit checks, but so far no luck - nobody wants a kid in the basement, and I cant get a co-signer, so its more stress added on.

well i lost my writing mood

im lost in a well of past feelings and actions and thoughts and sensations...I drift off into a new memory, and now remember even being able to visualize it in my head is new, but now I can feel things i had once felt (sitting in my chair, and completely remembering so that i can actually feel the wind and the brightness of the sunset from when i was little)
its hard to take

i think I know what it would feel like to drown , not the suffocating part, but the sinking under and lower with hopes failing.

also my attacks are happening more, and they hurt me so bad, when i release like that my head feels like its going to explode for like 24 hrs, and i have a wicked harassful headache border migraine

legend of dragoon

so I stopped ff7 for now cuz Im at the temple of the ancients, and I hate that part, plus I died, so I gave up. Im now playing legend of dragoon, im hoping I can get far because I have never gotten that far into that game but always wanted to.

so im watching erin brockovich, and it totally reminded me, when i was little, julia roberts was my fav person, I loved her movies, i love them all.

And I remember thinking how i wanted to be an actress, i think she may have been my hero, but i dont know.

heh

so i think i want my black hair again, im thinking the black purple, i like the red and browns, but i'll redo it when its long again, long brown hair is awesome i thinks

not much new on the agenda, dont think dez got the job at home depot
which is silly :(

but he is pushng himself hard to go to work... I wish i could get a job, then again so do a lot of people in the city.

so ive been thinking to myself lately, and recently outloud to a few, but i really want to get a mom relationship with Randeah, I truly want (and have always wanted a mother in law who is like a 2nd mom to me)
im hoping we can have that kind of connection, i dont know, i suck with connecting with people, but im hoping to get better ive been looking at books at the library and online so hopefully one day I will be as outgoing and friendly and loud like i used to be.

but thats the blurb for now

winter winter go away

im sick of this weather, it's cold and dumb.

Its screwing up my mood too, I hate winter.
its also been a bad few nights, not only do i cry myself to sleep I constantly wake up from "night visions" (or so I call them) its just like my flashbacks but in my dream and i wake up and then toss and turn all night.
I really miss my mom, I can't imagine not knowing who Dominic grows up to be and do, and then thinking how sad my mom must have been when she found out she was dying. If it were me i would be so sad and hurting, and the idea of my mom hurting hurts me.
I mean i remember one day I went into my moms rooms (she was laying in her bed) and i cuddled up to her like i usually did and little chit chat and then just laying there, then in the silence she tell me that she is dying.. It hurt to much to hear her say that, i dont remember if i said anything back, i didnt want to hear that let alone have a conversation on it, so i think i just laid there facing away from her cuz i was scared.
i wish I would have said i love you and gave her a big hug instead of silence. but I wasnt sure how to react to the situation.

GOD DAMNIT

i miss her....

i hate feeling like this, i want to stop hurting and I want to stop regretting things that one) i cant change and two) things i shouldnt even regrett, i did nothing wrong... but it feels like I did

I mean when she got really sick and went to the hospital the first and 2nd time, i didnt go see her that often, i was too excited to hang with my friends in allan while my dad drove up to the city after work, i seen her a couple times.. and the last time she went to the hospital, i remember seeing her and she was soo sick and drugged up because of the pain, and me and 3 of my brothers and the docter was in the room and she mumbled hwo she was glad all of her kids were there (one brother missing she thought the doc was the other one) and the painting in her room had to be covered up cuz it scared her, she told my dad that it reminded her of monsters.
....
anyways when we had to go she wanted a kiss, but i moved my head and kissed her on the cheek/her on mine, instead of on the lips. I was sccared, and confused and i dont know why i didnt.

that was 2 or 3 days before she died.

After kurtis's wedding receptoin, we all stopped al the hospital late at night and she was asleep and i seen her for a few mins just laying there, then we went home.

I woke up the next morning hungover at 10:13 and fell back asleep. i woke up about 30 mins later.
My cousins and 2 aunts were over for the wedding, my dad was already at the hospital, and i remember watching some eminiem concert on tv and the phone ringing.. I knew what it was when my dad asked calmly to talk to my aunt and she left the room..

turns out at 10:13 my mom passed away.... peacefully which is good.
but then everyone just looked at me not sure what to do and they only cared about me at that point and everyone was just looking at me on the couch.
I didnt cry i was in shock i guess.. thhen i got up after about 10 mins of silence and awkwardly watching the tv, and i went to my room...

i dont remember much else after that until my dad got home, he had to run to the city again and i asked if i could be dropped off in allan (we stilled lived in zelma at the time) and my dad hesitated but let me go, didnt want to be at home, everyone walking on eggshells around me was weird, so i walked around allan on the wet crappy april day...
i went to the bowling alley and Katlin's aunt was there and i liked her she was nice (Katlin was my first bf) and i was crying and she asked if it was about my mom i said yea and she told me sometimes it coudl be hard and i started bawling and told her she passed away.

after leaving the bowling alley i went walking for a few more hours again. Katlin came and found me cuz his uncle owned the gas station and trent(brother) had told him and passed along the info. so then for the rest of the day i just sat on katlins couch with him crying.

i dont remember much else.


i dunno

i miss her, i wish i would have seen her more, i wish i would have realised how serious it was, i always hoped she would just come home one day again, cuz last time she was in the hospital she came home so it didnt seem so bad.

i just want to stop hurting...

i miss her, and i need her here, i need her help and i want her to hug me again....