blah

So christmas is over
thank god
I hate this season,
i used to love it so much
but without mom... it hurts

this year was more intense than usual, i cant do anything without thinking of her, I see other girls with their moms, i look in the mirror and for a spilt second i see her in my reflection. before I go to bed i had visions of memories and stuff..

i hurts, i dont know how much longer I can stand this for. I feel like I just want to explode, i just cant keep up with it anymore.

I miss her.... I want her in my life..for real... I know she can't its impossible, but she's always with me.... but its not the same

but i gotta stop on that topic..

christmas wsa okay,, Dom and I were sick on xmas day and we had to miss both my familys and kelley and lenores dinner.. I feel bad, and then everyone was saying how we should have been there and I felt worse...

Dominic got some sweet toys and clothes, and this year he loved opening his presents :)

Dez got some sweet clothes, and a cool new jacket :)

I got a laptop from boxing day sales (future shop bad on boxing day)

and its great, its a little netbook. I love it

So dylans here with his gf, they arrived last night, no idea how long they are staying. but im takign his gf out shopping so dez and dylan can have some alone time.. but im nervous, im still having issues tryign to talk to my friends let alone random ppl...
so this may end up being a bit bad and a shitty awkward shopping trip but oh well

Dez got up this morning, got dom up, went to give water to his snake to find out he died :(

Dez is sad, he loved Sheare.. :( Im in shock, not sure why he died, dez thinks it may have gotten too hot with this light that we had, but we are not sure. :(

today is a crappy day all around.

I hate the holidays, hell the last few months have hell.. I hate life lately, its just...fuck it all... mood... but i must go save dominic

until later

bitch

so i have an uber sore throat on one side :(
Ive been taking meds all day and doesnt really help
my tooth hurts too and just above it on the gums i have a wierd circle bump
and if i touch it my tooth on the inside hurts a lot
I hope my tooth doesnt fall out
that would suck


AND MY NEED TO BLOG DIED... VERY VERY QUICKLY
GUESS THATS ALL FOR TODAY


oops caps lock was on... but im too lazy to fix it

byebye

volcano?

So thats what the inside of my head feels like

IM just freaking out, being super super broke and low on exciting fun foods (spaghetti is only cool liek once a week...:P) and knowing we are going to be doign a lot better at the end of the month...
its stressful
not to mention being uber depressed --- friday was a bad day, it seems the days are getting worse then if i try hard i can have an awesome day... but then the next day is HORRIBLE

also stressful --- sobriety!

lol

maybe getting my lip pierced again on the opposite side-- and by maybe i mean I am
also getting this as a tattoo next month on my left inside forearm
(click for larger better view)




im excited,
I would explain, but im lazy... lol

and my blogging has now gotten boring for me, im off more later

So I had another stress attack today, but not like my normal 5 mins ones, this time it lasted like half an hour,no idea what caused it. well maybe?

I think i just snapped today so many things sucked, and i think the piling up just drove me nuts

`last night got stoned and as i wet to sleep (when i hit the pillow i was pretty much out) i kept seeing new and already known mnii movie clips of my mom, so i was weakend by this when i woke up.
`Dez was in a bad mood cuz he had to get up with me so I could drop him off at Randy's to finish yard work (which we knew woudl take till 3 (which it did)
`got to work to find out almost the whole hotel checked out so i had 15 check outs... and the rooms were all double beds (2 doubles to a room) and every ed was used, yay time consuming, and they all had crumbs everywhere, and coffee...:( and beers and messes..
--- one plus side, cuz it took me so long to do the rooms all day my last room was taken off my list at the end of the day (IT SUCKED! super party drunk gross dirty food on floor room!) - so i was hoping to lose it if i saved it till last :P
`just got paid, already pretty much broke after getting some needed stuff
`just work in general
`having like no food at home
`my stupid broken glasses that slide of my face all the time, much less when i have to look down for work, reading, anything... ><

i dunno, i think thats all i could handle today
oh right haha
at work as i was cleaning a glass it fell and my reflex tried to grab it and i ended up slicing both my palms, so now i have uber large bandaids on and im in pain

today was stupid

i did get $4 in tips today (shitty kinda) but it at least got me 2 pops :)

also i might get tomorrow morning off, but not sure we will see f i get a call in the morning

so there was some maybe good news today

ugh i hate my hair
i need something to change, hair, tattoo, piercing, hairdye, hairstyle, arg

i dunno

you kno i really wish i had more people who read my blog, lol
its wierd to want ppl to read my thoughts but at the same time, i enjoy peoples comments on my thoughts and ideas and other stuff


I just want more friends, i miss having a group
i dont know where to start, or how, always broke (hopefully wil change now...minus wedding saving :( )
i would really like to be able to have people call me up and hang out, i would feel so much more wanted than me always calling ppl tryign to set things up

which doesnt work most the time anyways
im excited that im startign to go to TUG more often now, maybe i can find/reconnect with some people there

...

well that was stupid

So I was a day ahead of myself yesterday, I thought the 5th was the 6th
My moms birthday woudl have been today, Nov 6...
so because I suck
im moody for 2 days and all that crap


Not alot going on, waiting for my gossip girl to finish downloading(i missed it this week)

So ive been wanting to try something lately, and i want to try before the weddnig cuz well i want to

I want thin eyebrows (not thin vs thick but like a thinner line) And the last time i had that was when i shaved off my eyebrows, and i loved how it looked (<3 dez hates it and im scared to do it cuz most ppl think they are dumb) either way
I want to try the actual real eyebrows super thin, cuz i have always admired that goth loko and to do it before the wedding as a test
but im scared if they look bad

lol but im usually locked in my house anyways so i may get away with it


the wedding has been in my mind lately
I know what i want for my dress (skirt/corset w/e) sorta, not sure what I want the girls in yet

I know i want a skirt similiar to the following:









Yea I truly did fall in love with the black and red one (the room with the mirrors also #'s 1 5 and 6) and black and hot pink
and turns out those dresses are easy to make
I love the poofyness and the coolness and they will rock with boots

again no idea for the girls..... black and hot pink for them too, i might stick them in corsets and skirts too
we shall see, i need to visit gothical for ideas

work still sucks
yay
because dez's shift changed he doesnt work till 3 (used to work at 2) so I told my work I can work till 1 instead of 12, so now I get 10 rooms a day instead of 8

blah
oh well , hopefully will help me look better


oh I found a quote I want tattooed
"It's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all"

I enjoy this quote because it can be applied to so many things, liek me being a party kid without a baby :P sometimes i need a reminder when im upset that i got pregnant... or with tysene, i am so thankful i was in his life, however short, we may not have ended well but im glad I knew him and then lost him, same with my mom

When i actually stop and think about that quote i actually feel a sensation of calmness (or something) and i can relax... but sometimes i dont think of it, hence the tattoo, i see it and it pops in my head and calms me.. ( i have a bad memory i forget all the time little simple things)

so yea Im thinking i will get aaron to do the quote cuz you cant screw up on words eh?
lol


soon enough

so my head hurts, i went over to dom little table cuz he is drawing/scribbling, and i did it AGAIN!.... I whacked my head on the staircase(basement) and really hard... ive hit it 4 times... and i have bumps and bruises to prove it..

so now I need head drugs

upstairs I go


PS the 4th skirt picture comes out shitty, and i wasnt a super big fan anyways but to delete it means i have to change my wording in the post, so im leaving it at this..

lol

Not much new lately
So dez and I have our 3 year coming up on halloween
yay!

Im excited to go to TUG on halloween
i wish dez and I would have had a few bucks, oh well, as long as we can get in TUG im happy

stressing about making rent, dez was so sick he had to miss so many days so we are so cutting it close to making it. well sorta

and then the added stress of my mind allowing myself to think (liek actually think) about my mom and who she was, and its stressing me so much. Im glad I now get 2 days off.

work is going okay.. got in trouble for being sick today so I have to go get a doctors note tomorrow.. blah

had a older lady at work tell me she hates me (older Asian angry woman, lacking english) lol

apparently i take her vacuum everyday (1. vacuums are not assigned, 2. i just grab one, i dont actually look) and she was like
"you do this everyday,every day"

so i asked what the difference was cuz i didnt really see much besides the cords,
and she replies with " i hate you" and mumbled something about stealing :S

so i was in a bad mood so i replied with "fine for that comment im just going to take it every morning." and left.

i just ouldnt handle that for some reason, i just snapped.
oh well

I get to go look at dresses soon :D im excited

i still really want a wicked wicked vacation, but i really want a fun wedding too, still a cheap wedding, but i dunno, i have a short amount of time left.

not sure what else to say
im off for now


random picture of the day :click it for full:

new header means I need a new post

So my fancy new header, it was my old favorite one and it used to say "Angels heavenly hell" also I added my newest quote to the bottom of my blog <3
anyways
It was time for a new header, Im sick of the standards society seems to have set on me, but im going to try my hardest to push through and be myself,
if im balancing both well then there is nothing wrong with me or my parenting.

I can still be gothic/slutty and go clubbing once a week or 2ce (within reason cuz I love dezzy :P <3) but I can do that, as long as Dominic is happy and growing and put first, I can go clubbing and still be 21

I still have to find the balance, so I may screw up fine w/e it wont last forever Im working on this, this is my new goal.
I want to be 21

Dez isnt really into the same scene I am, he likes to go once in a while but he likes staying home so sometimes he can stay home after dom is asleep and play on his comp, and i can go out, or we can get a babysitter and we can both go out, together or separate.
either way

and maybe I can get back with some ppl I used to know and get some friends, or at least someone to chat too on msn every once in a while :P

:D

I just dont want to look back and think how much i hated how i stayed home and didnt "have fun"

I dont want to regret throwing away my life cuz I locked myself in my head and home.

Done for now