O.o

awkwardness..
How it ruins things.
Oh sometimes it can be cute, yes
but how it can remove friends from your life
is not cute...at all.
I lost one of my best friends,
because of pretty much an awkward situation
and im really sad
it threw me off course for a while
but its okay, Im doing okay.
just wanted to say I miss you old friend
and no matter what your always in my heart <3

welcome back drama

ha
so lifes awesome
and thats both true and sarcastic, lol

if I get approved for student loans I get to go to school on Sept 7th for my photography, so yay, but im not holding much hope for that, but if I cant get in this year I have aa wicked backup plan of traveling and building my portfolio. so win win situation.

so yay for win wins
lol

what else has been going on, not much, been chillin in the city as much as possible.

too lazy today

fuck I need to update soon


but I am alive

so lately life blows.
I have felt very unwanted - not unloved just unwanted. The stress of moving, and the stress of thinking about in 2 weeks, its just going to be Dominic and me at my dads. Dez will be here at his Dads, but him going to school is for the best and thats what is helping me get through this.

Ive been missing my mom alot, im glad I dyed my hair, with the brown everytime I would side glance at a mirror i would see my mom in me and it hurt.. and when I look at Dominic I see tysene and i also see dez and me and dom as a family.. so looking around is a pissy deal for me right now.

But with everything Im dealing with, I think I can "understand" why someone would want to kill themselves, I still stick by the fact that suicide is a waste and plus going to hell isnt worth it,but I can understand how much stress can make you want to just end it all. I think I know how Tysene felt being over-whelmed.

Im scared/nervous about moving to allan and my dad, and becky... its just odd, im so used to just my dad, and now becky is in the picture with her rules and feelings and viewpoints (some of which are dumb haha)

so this will be... fun... Dom and I are sharing the bedroom in the basement, and the side storage room im going to set up for my computer, so our room will be a bit cramped, but we will be upstairs and outside most of the time.

Im hoping to pay off all my debt asap so I can maybe improve my credit and get an apt.. but if i pay it all off how well does that fix my credit?
and if it only fixes a little bit of my credit how can I quickly fix it to the point that someone will rent to me?

Ive asked a few basement suites (in ppls houses) cuz they dont do credit checks, but so far no luck - nobody wants a kid in the basement, and I cant get a co-signer, so its more stress added on.

well i lost my writing mood

im lost in a well of past feelings and actions and thoughts and sensations...I drift off into a new memory, and now remember even being able to visualize it in my head is new, but now I can feel things i had once felt (sitting in my chair, and completely remembering so that i can actually feel the wind and the brightness of the sunset from when i was little)
its hard to take

i think I know what it would feel like to drown , not the suffocating part, but the sinking under and lower with hopes failing.

also my attacks are happening more, and they hurt me so bad, when i release like that my head feels like its going to explode for like 24 hrs, and i have a wicked harassful headache border migraine

legend of dragoon

so I stopped ff7 for now cuz Im at the temple of the ancients, and I hate that part, plus I died, so I gave up. Im now playing legend of dragoon, im hoping I can get far because I have never gotten that far into that game but always wanted to.

so im watching erin brockovich, and it totally reminded me, when i was little, julia roberts was my fav person, I loved her movies, i love them all.

And I remember thinking how i wanted to be an actress, i think she may have been my hero, but i dont know.

heh

so i think i want my black hair again, im thinking the black purple, i like the red and browns, but i'll redo it when its long again, long brown hair is awesome i thinks

not much new on the agenda, dont think dez got the job at home depot
which is silly :(

but he is pushng himself hard to go to work... I wish i could get a job, then again so do a lot of people in the city.

so ive been thinking to myself lately, and recently outloud to a few, but i really want to get a mom relationship with Randeah, I truly want (and have always wanted a mother in law who is like a 2nd mom to me)
im hoping we can have that kind of connection, i dont know, i suck with connecting with people, but im hoping to get better ive been looking at books at the library and online so hopefully one day I will be as outgoing and friendly and loud like i used to be.

but thats the blurb for now

winter winter go away

im sick of this weather, it's cold and dumb.

Its screwing up my mood too, I hate winter.
its also been a bad few nights, not only do i cry myself to sleep I constantly wake up from "night visions" (or so I call them) its just like my flashbacks but in my dream and i wake up and then toss and turn all night.
I really miss my mom, I can't imagine not knowing who Dominic grows up to be and do, and then thinking how sad my mom must have been when she found out she was dying. If it were me i would be so sad and hurting, and the idea of my mom hurting hurts me.
I mean i remember one day I went into my moms rooms (she was laying in her bed) and i cuddled up to her like i usually did and little chit chat and then just laying there, then in the silence she tell me that she is dying.. It hurt to much to hear her say that, i dont remember if i said anything back, i didnt want to hear that let alone have a conversation on it, so i think i just laid there facing away from her cuz i was scared.
i wish I would have said i love you and gave her a big hug instead of silence. but I wasnt sure how to react to the situation.

GOD DAMNIT

i miss her....

i hate feeling like this, i want to stop hurting and I want to stop regretting things that one) i cant change and two) things i shouldnt even regrett, i did nothing wrong... but it feels like I did

I mean when she got really sick and went to the hospital the first and 2nd time, i didnt go see her that often, i was too excited to hang with my friends in allan while my dad drove up to the city after work, i seen her a couple times.. and the last time she went to the hospital, i remember seeing her and she was soo sick and drugged up because of the pain, and me and 3 of my brothers and the docter was in the room and she mumbled hwo she was glad all of her kids were there (one brother missing she thought the doc was the other one) and the painting in her room had to be covered up cuz it scared her, she told my dad that it reminded her of monsters.
....
anyways when we had to go she wanted a kiss, but i moved my head and kissed her on the cheek/her on mine, instead of on the lips. I was sccared, and confused and i dont know why i didnt.

that was 2 or 3 days before she died.

After kurtis's wedding receptoin, we all stopped al the hospital late at night and she was asleep and i seen her for a few mins just laying there, then we went home.

I woke up the next morning hungover at 10:13 and fell back asleep. i woke up about 30 mins later.
My cousins and 2 aunts were over for the wedding, my dad was already at the hospital, and i remember watching some eminiem concert on tv and the phone ringing.. I knew what it was when my dad asked calmly to talk to my aunt and she left the room..

turns out at 10:13 my mom passed away.... peacefully which is good.
but then everyone just looked at me not sure what to do and they only cared about me at that point and everyone was just looking at me on the couch.
I didnt cry i was in shock i guess.. thhen i got up after about 10 mins of silence and awkwardly watching the tv, and i went to my room...

i dont remember much else after that until my dad got home, he had to run to the city again and i asked if i could be dropped off in allan (we stilled lived in zelma at the time) and my dad hesitated but let me go, didnt want to be at home, everyone walking on eggshells around me was weird, so i walked around allan on the wet crappy april day...
i went to the bowling alley and Katlin's aunt was there and i liked her she was nice (Katlin was my first bf) and i was crying and she asked if it was about my mom i said yea and she told me sometimes it coudl be hard and i started bawling and told her she passed away.

after leaving the bowling alley i went walking for a few more hours again. Katlin came and found me cuz his uncle owned the gas station and trent(brother) had told him and passed along the info. so then for the rest of the day i just sat on katlins couch with him crying.

i dont remember much else.


i dunno

i miss her, i wish i would have seen her more, i wish i would have realised how serious it was, i always hoped she would just come home one day again, cuz last time she was in the hospital she came home so it didnt seem so bad.

i just want to stop hurting...

i miss her, and i need her here, i need her help and i want her to hug me again....

I dont care who reads this, its all true so whatever



things have gone so wrong these past couple months, dez started getting sick and you know that sucked, but once he got super sick/in pain, its so bad, he feels so crappy, and he has to stay home, and he tries so hard when he goes to work, but some days he cant even sit up or get out of bed, so he stays home, im trying so freaking hard to get a job cuz we cant live like this, dezzys paychecks lately have been like 200...
we are so screwed, bills are piling up and calling us, i can seem to get a job for anything, i even applied at a&w and i had 2 friends to vouche for me, still no call backs

and im honestly scared that one morning we are going to wake up with everything shut off paying utilities is way over our heads, this place is so hard to keep.

im just so angry and frusterated, and i hate having to ask people for help all the time, but i do when i need to, like I asked my dad for liek 20$ gas so dez can get to work for the next 2 weeks.. wont work but no other real choices.

we need a place in stoon like a oney loan place but not just a paycheck loan (we'd only get less than 200 cuz thats what dezzy has been making) and we need like a large sum to pay everything off, to start new, and then have another bill that like we can pay off monthly so we dont have to worry about freezing or being kicked out.

its so hard to aditt we are failing at life and being responcible, we are failing at everything, and its y fault, i know it, if i could have kept my job... im trying so hard....
i wish there was a way to fix this, and again well a job fixes it, well i cant get one, dez ay have his new job at hoem depot here soon hopefully, which pays more than his does now, but still, we are so screwed right now that it doesnt help, all of our money goes to bills food and rent, oh and we buy ourselves pop, and then we have 0... gas is included with groceries, and its ainly food for dom lately, we have had a lots of frozen food from my dads xmas present, but its running low|


aaaarrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggg!!!

im just falling apart, when i work i get so stressed that i have to scream andclench my fists to calm down and it takes a bit, and that sucks, prolly what helped contribute to my getting fired, cant afford anti depressants cuz im SURE its the cause, so why go to the doc when i cant afford the meds. so i cant seem to get a new job, and we are just getting by.... doms being a brat lately, he stil has his cute moments, but he is now having freak out moments where if we tell him no, he will try to slap or throw toys hard at you/wall... and everything piling up its so hard to hold on to reality.... :(

fuck..


and just for reference, im not typing this up because i want sympathy or money, i just need to get it out and talking to dez about it is sometimes more stressful, so im typing it here in my blog cuz its what i do when im sad or angry or hhurting.

all i feel like

i cant wait until Dominic is older... I wish he would listen more... and calm down and do things slowly.

So many things he should be able to do he cant cuz he wont sit still and let us teach him... its so straining, like we went to walmart today and we let him walk in the toys and when we asked hi mto come back or stop runnign away etc he wont...

:( and if we pick hi mup he screams and kicks..

i wish he would calm down and listen... he is all action and its hard to deal with

i mean we are trying to potty train him and he is good or going on the potty when we put him there -- he still doesnt tell us when he needs to go yet_--
but we bought pull ups for him though and we are trying to teach him to pull up the front and the back, but he only pulls up the front, and when we try to show him where his hands go to pull up the back he freaks and waves his ars and tries to runaway


I kno he is at his own stage and he is 2 1/2 but its hard

and its tough seeing all my brothers other kids excelling at everything, and again i know dom isnt wrong or anything just going at his own pace but i still feel like im doing something wrong or i already did when dom was little

i just wish i didnt feel like a failure all the time
its such a hard feeling to get over..

but its Dominic's bed time

gotta run

so we've been thinking a lot, and we are hoping we can come to a equal decision.
What we have in mind is dez can go to his dads, Dom and I will get a 1 Bd apt, and after 6 months or a year (prolly a year) if dez keeps his average at a pre-determined grade he can come home, but if his grades drop he has to go back.
personally i think its fair but maybe im a bit biased. oh well

Either way looking on the goodside we get dez every weekend :) and i get to decorate my very own apt!

im hoping to get a downtown apt, liek a highrise :) so it'll be dom and me, he will have the room, the couch will be a futon or hidea bed and i'll sleep there but share doms closet, it'll be cool.

its going to suck beign a lone, i hate being alone, but im hoping i can have friends over most nights and stuff so it shouldnt be too bad.

so im making a list in my head of fun things to buy or new things i will need for the apt.

where else to keep a list than in my blog.... seeing as this wont happen until min. summer or fall.

-New microwave - ours is crap and like...20 years old haha
-new futon/hideabed - cuz dezzys wont sit upright like a couch - cushion too thick haha
-new dressors for Dom and I -sigh- ours are all liek broken, its sad
-new coffee machine cuz again ours sucks, i would like a programmable one :)
-i want to have a single/twin bed for dom by that time, his isnt holding up well now that he jumps on the bed.
-i want a bif corner "pot" with liek those sticks in them, ive always liked those
-I want a fern, i like ferns
- a ps2 is cool, we sold ours a while ago

lol yay for saving up. Sadly though im not going to have the big tv, for space reasons and cuz i could never move it, im going to hopefully stash it at my dads and use a slightly smaller tv, its cool


and im going to start taking up crats and stuff, like string voodo dolls they are cute to make and i can sell em :) and learnign to draw anime i might try that too
but im stilling coming up with ideas on how to pass the time, im not good a lone, so i'd be at the mall lot, at least when dom woudl let me. so hopefully i can set up some good times to have friends over :)
anime and sushi nights
coffee
movie nights


but dom made a homemade slide thats not...good.. lol

ttyl

love it

so i love the slow cooker we got for xmas from my dad

Its awesome and the recipe books we got have awesome ideas. I cant wait to try them.
but a lot of the refipes im missing like 2 things that are prolly pretty important, but i'll learn how to shop for groceries one day, im hoping the slow cooker will help.

Man im so excited, i wanna make lasagna, i have a recipe for it, but cheese is exspensive :( which is sad, but we pretty much have everything else..
man ive been craving lasagna for like months, but never have any. And i dont liek buying pre-made ones cuz they are always icky - not true, i had one brand I loved but they changed the recipe and it sucks now.

see my fav lasagna woudl be

a thick meat tomato sauce, with tons of cheese mmmm cheese, and onions are cool as long as they are super small or a lot of powder.. mmm.... and i lost my train of thought, Dom interrupted me so oh well, some veggies are cool i guess

again i lost my train of thoust so w/e lasagne is good as long as there isnt a tong of hugh onions..

maybe after we get out of this christmas brokeness..


ooo i also found another neat recipe in one of my books

its called 'Cola Ham'
lol and its basically hamd slow cooked in spices etc and cola (also a cola paste oon it too) I cant wait to try it, mainly only because of the cola thing, i love cola :P
but dez doesnt like ham so oh well, one day :P


i have an icecapp so my concentration is lagging...lol

mmmm icecappp

but im off for now

byebye

woot breakdowns

So Dylan and his gf are staying here, its pretty cool, minus the 'personal bubble' interference..

Ive been so broken lately. I was pushing so hard to keep strong and charge through this...but I can't push anymore. I feel like im empty, like im so drained there is nothing left to use to start rebuilding.

I cry every 20 mins, and like hardcore, my mood is through the roof (poor dezzy) its hard to hold up a front with company though...

its gotten bad, and normally (most ppl who kno me) know that Im terrified of 2012 happening (predicted end of the world)

and ive always worried (yes i kno no point if it happens it happens, but thats not what this topic is about)anyways ive always been scared if it, many reasons and it just sucks, dieing is no fun, alone or with the entire earth,
back to the point

Im slowly starting to not care about that anymore, and its because im so drained and since i feel so empty, the end of the world doesnt seem so bad anymore
*****note - im not saying i want to kill myself or die*****

:(

so to sum it up

life sucks

.....

blah

So christmas is over
thank god
I hate this season,
i used to love it so much
but without mom... it hurts

this year was more intense than usual, i cant do anything without thinking of her, I see other girls with their moms, i look in the mirror and for a spilt second i see her in my reflection. before I go to bed i had visions of memories and stuff..

i hurts, i dont know how much longer I can stand this for. I feel like I just want to explode, i just cant keep up with it anymore.

I miss her.... I want her in my life..for real... I know she can't its impossible, but she's always with me.... but its not the same

but i gotta stop on that topic..

christmas wsa okay,, Dom and I were sick on xmas day and we had to miss both my familys and kelley and lenores dinner.. I feel bad, and then everyone was saying how we should have been there and I felt worse...

Dominic got some sweet toys and clothes, and this year he loved opening his presents :)

Dez got some sweet clothes, and a cool new jacket :)

I got a laptop from boxing day sales (future shop bad on boxing day)

and its great, its a little netbook. I love it

So dylans here with his gf, they arrived last night, no idea how long they are staying. but im takign his gf out shopping so dez and dylan can have some alone time.. but im nervous, im still having issues tryign to talk to my friends let alone random ppl...
so this may end up being a bit bad and a shitty awkward shopping trip but oh well

Dez got up this morning, got dom up, went to give water to his snake to find out he died :(

Dez is sad, he loved Sheare.. :( Im in shock, not sure why he died, dez thinks it may have gotten too hot with this light that we had, but we are not sure. :(

today is a crappy day all around.

I hate the holidays, hell the last few months have hell.. I hate life lately, its just...fuck it all... mood... but i must go save dominic

until later

bitch

so i have an uber sore throat on one side :(
Ive been taking meds all day and doesnt really help
my tooth hurts too and just above it on the gums i have a wierd circle bump
and if i touch it my tooth on the inside hurts a lot
I hope my tooth doesnt fall out
that would suck


AND MY NEED TO BLOG DIED... VERY VERY QUICKLY
GUESS THATS ALL FOR TODAY


oops caps lock was on... but im too lazy to fix it

byebye

volcano?

So thats what the inside of my head feels like

IM just freaking out, being super super broke and low on exciting fun foods (spaghetti is only cool liek once a week...:P) and knowing we are going to be doign a lot better at the end of the month...
its stressful
not to mention being uber depressed --- friday was a bad day, it seems the days are getting worse then if i try hard i can have an awesome day... but then the next day is HORRIBLE

also stressful --- sobriety!

lol

maybe getting my lip pierced again on the opposite side-- and by maybe i mean I am
also getting this as a tattoo next month on my left inside forearm
(click for larger better view)




im excited,
I would explain, but im lazy... lol

and my blogging has now gotten boring for me, im off more later

So I had another stress attack today, but not like my normal 5 mins ones, this time it lasted like half an hour,no idea what caused it. well maybe?

I think i just snapped today so many things sucked, and i think the piling up just drove me nuts

`last night got stoned and as i wet to sleep (when i hit the pillow i was pretty much out) i kept seeing new and already known mnii movie clips of my mom, so i was weakend by this when i woke up.
`Dez was in a bad mood cuz he had to get up with me so I could drop him off at Randy's to finish yard work (which we knew woudl take till 3 (which it did)
`got to work to find out almost the whole hotel checked out so i had 15 check outs... and the rooms were all double beds (2 doubles to a room) and every ed was used, yay time consuming, and they all had crumbs everywhere, and coffee...:( and beers and messes..
--- one plus side, cuz it took me so long to do the rooms all day my last room was taken off my list at the end of the day (IT SUCKED! super party drunk gross dirty food on floor room!) - so i was hoping to lose it if i saved it till last :P
`just got paid, already pretty much broke after getting some needed stuff
`just work in general
`having like no food at home
`my stupid broken glasses that slide of my face all the time, much less when i have to look down for work, reading, anything... ><

i dunno, i think thats all i could handle today
oh right haha
at work as i was cleaning a glass it fell and my reflex tried to grab it and i ended up slicing both my palms, so now i have uber large bandaids on and im in pain

today was stupid

i did get $4 in tips today (shitty kinda) but it at least got me 2 pops :)

also i might get tomorrow morning off, but not sure we will see f i get a call in the morning

so there was some maybe good news today

ugh i hate my hair
i need something to change, hair, tattoo, piercing, hairdye, hairstyle, arg

i dunno

you kno i really wish i had more people who read my blog, lol
its wierd to want ppl to read my thoughts but at the same time, i enjoy peoples comments on my thoughts and ideas and other stuff


I just want more friends, i miss having a group
i dont know where to start, or how, always broke (hopefully wil change now...minus wedding saving :( )
i would really like to be able to have people call me up and hang out, i would feel so much more wanted than me always calling ppl tryign to set things up

which doesnt work most the time anyways
im excited that im startign to go to TUG more often now, maybe i can find/reconnect with some people there

...

well that was stupid

So I was a day ahead of myself yesterday, I thought the 5th was the 6th
My moms birthday woudl have been today, Nov 6...
so because I suck
im moody for 2 days and all that crap


Not alot going on, waiting for my gossip girl to finish downloading(i missed it this week)

So ive been wanting to try something lately, and i want to try before the weddnig cuz well i want to

I want thin eyebrows (not thin vs thick but like a thinner line) And the last time i had that was when i shaved off my eyebrows, and i loved how it looked (<3 dez hates it and im scared to do it cuz most ppl think they are dumb) either way
I want to try the actual real eyebrows super thin, cuz i have always admired that goth loko and to do it before the wedding as a test
but im scared if they look bad

lol but im usually locked in my house anyways so i may get away with it


the wedding has been in my mind lately
I know what i want for my dress (skirt/corset w/e) sorta, not sure what I want the girls in yet

I know i want a skirt similiar to the following:









Yea I truly did fall in love with the black and red one (the room with the mirrors also #'s 1 5 and 6) and black and hot pink
and turns out those dresses are easy to make
I love the poofyness and the coolness and they will rock with boots

again no idea for the girls..... black and hot pink for them too, i might stick them in corsets and skirts too
we shall see, i need to visit gothical for ideas

work still sucks
yay
because dez's shift changed he doesnt work till 3 (used to work at 2) so I told my work I can work till 1 instead of 12, so now I get 10 rooms a day instead of 8

blah
oh well , hopefully will help me look better


oh I found a quote I want tattooed
"It's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all"

I enjoy this quote because it can be applied to so many things, liek me being a party kid without a baby :P sometimes i need a reminder when im upset that i got pregnant... or with tysene, i am so thankful i was in his life, however short, we may not have ended well but im glad I knew him and then lost him, same with my mom

When i actually stop and think about that quote i actually feel a sensation of calmness (or something) and i can relax... but sometimes i dont think of it, hence the tattoo, i see it and it pops in my head and calms me.. ( i have a bad memory i forget all the time little simple things)

so yea Im thinking i will get aaron to do the quote cuz you cant screw up on words eh?
lol


soon enough

so my head hurts, i went over to dom little table cuz he is drawing/scribbling, and i did it AGAIN!.... I whacked my head on the staircase(basement) and really hard... ive hit it 4 times... and i have bumps and bruises to prove it..

so now I need head drugs

upstairs I go


PS the 4th skirt picture comes out shitty, and i wasnt a super big fan anyways but to delete it means i have to change my wording in the post, so im leaving it at this..

lol

Not much new lately
So dez and I have our 3 year coming up on halloween
yay!

Im excited to go to TUG on halloween
i wish dez and I would have had a few bucks, oh well, as long as we can get in TUG im happy

stressing about making rent, dez was so sick he had to miss so many days so we are so cutting it close to making it. well sorta

and then the added stress of my mind allowing myself to think (liek actually think) about my mom and who she was, and its stressing me so much. Im glad I now get 2 days off.

work is going okay.. got in trouble for being sick today so I have to go get a doctors note tomorrow.. blah

had a older lady at work tell me she hates me (older Asian angry woman, lacking english) lol

apparently i take her vacuum everyday (1. vacuums are not assigned, 2. i just grab one, i dont actually look) and she was like
"you do this everyday,every day"

so i asked what the difference was cuz i didnt really see much besides the cords,
and she replies with " i hate you" and mumbled something about stealing :S

so i was in a bad mood so i replied with "fine for that comment im just going to take it every morning." and left.

i just ouldnt handle that for some reason, i just snapped.
oh well

I get to go look at dresses soon :D im excited

i still really want a wicked wicked vacation, but i really want a fun wedding too, still a cheap wedding, but i dunno, i have a short amount of time left.

not sure what else to say
im off for now


random picture of the day :click it for full:

new header means I need a new post

So my fancy new header, it was my old favorite one and it used to say "Angels heavenly hell" also I added my newest quote to the bottom of my blog <3
anyways
It was time for a new header, Im sick of the standards society seems to have set on me, but im going to try my hardest to push through and be myself,
if im balancing both well then there is nothing wrong with me or my parenting.

I can still be gothic/slutty and go clubbing once a week or 2ce (within reason cuz I love dezzy :P <3) but I can do that, as long as Dominic is happy and growing and put first, I can go clubbing and still be 21

I still have to find the balance, so I may screw up fine w/e it wont last forever Im working on this, this is my new goal.
I want to be 21

Dez isnt really into the same scene I am, he likes to go once in a while but he likes staying home so sometimes he can stay home after dom is asleep and play on his comp, and i can go out, or we can get a babysitter and we can both go out, together or separate.
either way

and maybe I can get back with some ppl I used to know and get some friends, or at least someone to chat too on msn every once in a while :P

:D

I just dont want to look back and think how much i hated how i stayed home and didnt "have fun"

I dont want to regret throwing away my life cuz I locked myself in my head and home.

Done for now