Sunday, March 14, 2010

so lately life blows.
I have felt very unwanted - not unloved just unwanted. The stress of moving, and the stress of thinking about in 2 weeks, its just going to be Dominic and me at my dads. Dez will be here at his Dads, but him going to school is for the best and thats what is helping me get through this.

Ive been missing my mom alot, im glad I dyed my hair, with the brown everytime I would side glance at a mirror i would see my mom in me and it hurt.. and when I look at Dominic I see tysene and i also see dez and me and dom as a family.. so looking around is a pissy deal for me right now.

But with everything Im dealing with, I think I can "understand" why someone would want to kill themselves, I still stick by the fact that suicide is a waste and plus going to hell isnt worth it,but I can understand how much stress can make you want to just end it all. I think I know how Tysene felt being over-whelmed.

Im scared/nervous about moving to allan and my dad, and becky... its just odd, im so used to just my dad, and now becky is in the picture with her rules and feelings and viewpoints (some of which are dumb haha)

so this will be... fun... Dom and I are sharing the bedroom in the basement, and the side storage room im going to set up for my computer, so our room will be a bit cramped, but we will be upstairs and outside most of the time.

Im hoping to pay off all my debt asap so I can maybe improve my credit and get an apt.. but if i pay it all off how well does that fix my credit?
and if it only fixes a little bit of my credit how can I quickly fix it to the point that someone will rent to me?

Ive asked a few basement suites (in ppls houses) cuz they dont do credit checks, but so far no luck - nobody wants a kid in the basement, and I cant get a co-signer, so its more stress added on.

well i lost my writing mood

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

im lost in a well of past feelings and actions and thoughts and sensations...I drift off into a new memory, and now remember even being able to visualize it in my head is new, but now I can feel things i had once felt (sitting in my chair, and completely remembering so that i can actually feel the wind and the brightness of the sunset from when i was little)
its hard to take

i think I know what it would feel like to drown , not the suffocating part, but the sinking under and lower with hopes failing.

also my attacks are happening more, and they hurt me so bad, when i release like that my head feels like its going to explode for like 24 hrs, and i have a wicked harassful headache border migraine