Monday, July 19, 2010


How it ruins things.
Oh sometimes it can be cute, yes
but how it can remove friends from your life
is not all.
I lost one of my best friends,
because of pretty much an awkward situation
and im really sad
it threw me off course for a while
but its okay, Im doing okay.
just wanted to say I miss you old friend
and no matter what your always in my heart <3

Friday, June 18, 2010

welcome back drama

so lifes awesome
and thats both true and sarcastic, lol

if I get approved for student loans I get to go to school on Sept 7th for my photography, so yay, but im not holding much hope for that, but if I cant get in this year I have aa wicked backup plan of traveling and building my portfolio. so win win situation.

so yay for win wins

what else has been going on, not much, been chillin in the city as much as possible.

Monday, June 14, 2010

too lazy today

fuck I need to update soon

but I am alive

Sunday, March 14, 2010

so lately life blows.
I have felt very unwanted - not unloved just unwanted. The stress of moving, and the stress of thinking about in 2 weeks, its just going to be Dominic and me at my dads. Dez will be here at his Dads, but him going to school is for the best and thats what is helping me get through this.

Ive been missing my mom alot, im glad I dyed my hair, with the brown everytime I would side glance at a mirror i would see my mom in me and it hurt.. and when I look at Dominic I see tysene and i also see dez and me and dom as a family.. so looking around is a pissy deal for me right now.

But with everything Im dealing with, I think I can "understand" why someone would want to kill themselves, I still stick by the fact that suicide is a waste and plus going to hell isnt worth it,but I can understand how much stress can make you want to just end it all. I think I know how Tysene felt being over-whelmed.

Im scared/nervous about moving to allan and my dad, and becky... its just odd, im so used to just my dad, and now becky is in the picture with her rules and feelings and viewpoints (some of which are dumb haha)

so this will be... fun... Dom and I are sharing the bedroom in the basement, and the side storage room im going to set up for my computer, so our room will be a bit cramped, but we will be upstairs and outside most of the time.

Im hoping to pay off all my debt asap so I can maybe improve my credit and get an apt.. but if i pay it all off how well does that fix my credit?
and if it only fixes a little bit of my credit how can I quickly fix it to the point that someone will rent to me?

Ive asked a few basement suites (in ppls houses) cuz they dont do credit checks, but so far no luck - nobody wants a kid in the basement, and I cant get a co-signer, so its more stress added on.

well i lost my writing mood

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

im lost in a well of past feelings and actions and thoughts and sensations...I drift off into a new memory, and now remember even being able to visualize it in my head is new, but now I can feel things i had once felt (sitting in my chair, and completely remembering so that i can actually feel the wind and the brightness of the sunset from when i was little)
its hard to take

i think I know what it would feel like to drown , not the suffocating part, but the sinking under and lower with hopes failing.

also my attacks are happening more, and they hurt me so bad, when i release like that my head feels like its going to explode for like 24 hrs, and i have a wicked harassful headache border migraine

Sunday, February 7, 2010

legend of dragoon

so I stopped ff7 for now cuz Im at the temple of the ancients, and I hate that part, plus I died, so I gave up. Im now playing legend of dragoon, im hoping I can get far because I have never gotten that far into that game but always wanted to.

so im watching erin brockovich, and it totally reminded me, when i was little, julia roberts was my fav person, I loved her movies, i love them all.

And I remember thinking how i wanted to be an actress, i think she may have been my hero, but i dont know.


so i think i want my black hair again, im thinking the black purple, i like the red and browns, but i'll redo it when its long again, long brown hair is awesome i thinks

not much new on the agenda, dont think dez got the job at home depot
which is silly :(

but he is pushng himself hard to go to work... I wish i could get a job, then again so do a lot of people in the city.

so ive been thinking to myself lately, and recently outloud to a few, but i really want to get a mom relationship with Randeah, I truly want (and have always wanted a mother in law who is like a 2nd mom to me)
im hoping we can have that kind of connection, i dont know, i suck with connecting with people, but im hoping to get better ive been looking at books at the library and online so hopefully one day I will be as outgoing and friendly and loud like i used to be.

but thats the blurb for now

Monday, February 1, 2010

winter winter go away

im sick of this weather, it's cold and dumb.

Its screwing up my mood too, I hate winter.
its also been a bad few nights, not only do i cry myself to sleep I constantly wake up from "night visions" (or so I call them) its just like my flashbacks but in my dream and i wake up and then toss and turn all night.
I really miss my mom, I can't imagine not knowing who Dominic grows up to be and do, and then thinking how sad my mom must have been when she found out she was dying. If it were me i would be so sad and hurting, and the idea of my mom hurting hurts me.
I mean i remember one day I went into my moms rooms (she was laying in her bed) and i cuddled up to her like i usually did and little chit chat and then just laying there, then in the silence she tell me that she is dying.. It hurt to much to hear her say that, i dont remember if i said anything back, i didnt want to hear that let alone have a conversation on it, so i think i just laid there facing away from her cuz i was scared.
i wish I would have said i love you and gave her a big hug instead of silence. but I wasnt sure how to react to the situation.


i miss her....

i hate feeling like this, i want to stop hurting and I want to stop regretting things that one) i cant change and two) things i shouldnt even regrett, i did nothing wrong... but it feels like I did

I mean when she got really sick and went to the hospital the first and 2nd time, i didnt go see her that often, i was too excited to hang with my friends in allan while my dad drove up to the city after work, i seen her a couple times.. and the last time she went to the hospital, i remember seeing her and she was soo sick and drugged up because of the pain, and me and 3 of my brothers and the docter was in the room and she mumbled hwo she was glad all of her kids were there (one brother missing she thought the doc was the other one) and the painting in her room had to be covered up cuz it scared her, she told my dad that it reminded her of monsters.
anyways when we had to go she wanted a kiss, but i moved my head and kissed her on the cheek/her on mine, instead of on the lips. I was sccared, and confused and i dont know why i didnt.

that was 2 or 3 days before she died.

After kurtis's wedding receptoin, we all stopped al the hospital late at night and she was asleep and i seen her for a few mins just laying there, then we went home.

I woke up the next morning hungover at 10:13 and fell back asleep. i woke up about 30 mins later.
My cousins and 2 aunts were over for the wedding, my dad was already at the hospital, and i remember watching some eminiem concert on tv and the phone ringing.. I knew what it was when my dad asked calmly to talk to my aunt and she left the room..

turns out at 10:13 my mom passed away.... peacefully which is good.
but then everyone just looked at me not sure what to do and they only cared about me at that point and everyone was just looking at me on the couch.
I didnt cry i was in shock i guess.. thhen i got up after about 10 mins of silence and awkwardly watching the tv, and i went to my room...

i dont remember much else after that until my dad got home, he had to run to the city again and i asked if i could be dropped off in allan (we stilled lived in zelma at the time) and my dad hesitated but let me go, didnt want to be at home, everyone walking on eggshells around me was weird, so i walked around allan on the wet crappy april day...
i went to the bowling alley and Katlin's aunt was there and i liked her she was nice (Katlin was my first bf) and i was crying and she asked if it was about my mom i said yea and she told me sometimes it coudl be hard and i started bawling and told her she passed away.

after leaving the bowling alley i went walking for a few more hours again. Katlin came and found me cuz his uncle owned the gas station and trent(brother) had told him and passed along the info. so then for the rest of the day i just sat on katlins couch with him crying.

i dont remember much else.

i dunno

i miss her, i wish i would have seen her more, i wish i would have realised how serious it was, i always hoped she would just come home one day again, cuz last time she was in the hospital she came home so it didnt seem so bad.

i just want to stop hurting...

i miss her, and i need her here, i need her help and i want her to hug me again....

Friday, January 29, 2010

I dont care who reads this, its all true so whatever

things have gone so wrong these past couple months, dez started getting sick and you know that sucked, but once he got super sick/in pain, its so bad, he feels so crappy, and he has to stay home, and he tries so hard when he goes to work, but some days he cant even sit up or get out of bed, so he stays home, im trying so freaking hard to get a job cuz we cant live like this, dezzys paychecks lately have been like 200...
we are so screwed, bills are piling up and calling us, i can seem to get a job for anything, i even applied at a&w and i had 2 friends to vouche for me, still no call backs

and im honestly scared that one morning we are going to wake up with everything shut off paying utilities is way over our heads, this place is so hard to keep.

im just so angry and frusterated, and i hate having to ask people for help all the time, but i do when i need to, like I asked my dad for liek 20$ gas so dez can get to work for the next 2 weeks.. wont work but no other real choices.

we need a place in stoon like a oney loan place but not just a paycheck loan (we'd only get less than 200 cuz thats what dezzy has been making) and we need like a large sum to pay everything off, to start new, and then have another bill that like we can pay off monthly so we dont have to worry about freezing or being kicked out.

its so hard to aditt we are failing at life and being responcible, we are failing at everything, and its y fault, i know it, if i could have kept my job... im trying so hard....
i wish there was a way to fix this, and again well a job fixes it, well i cant get one, dez ay have his new job at hoem depot here soon hopefully, which pays more than his does now, but still, we are so screwed right now that it doesnt help, all of our money goes to bills food and rent, oh and we buy ourselves pop, and then we have 0... gas is included with groceries, and its ainly food for dom lately, we have had a lots of frozen food from my dads xmas present, but its running low|


im just falling apart, when i work i get so stressed that i have to scream andclench my fists to calm down and it takes a bit, and that sucks, prolly what helped contribute to my getting fired, cant afford anti depressants cuz im SURE its the cause, so why go to the doc when i cant afford the meds. so i cant seem to get a new job, and we are just getting by.... doms being a brat lately, he stil has his cute moments, but he is now having freak out moments where if we tell him no, he will try to slap or throw toys hard at you/wall... and everything piling up its so hard to hold on to reality.... :(


and just for reference, im not typing this up because i want sympathy or money, i just need to get it out and talking to dez about it is sometimes more stressful, so im typing it here in my blog cuz its what i do when im sad or angry or hhurting.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Friday, January 22, 2010

all i feel like

i cant wait until Dominic is older... I wish he would listen more... and calm down and do things slowly.

So many things he should be able to do he cant cuz he wont sit still and let us teach him... its so straining, like we went to walmart today and we let him walk in the toys and when we asked hi mto come back or stop runnign away etc he wont...

:( and if we pick hi mup he screams and kicks..

i wish he would calm down and listen... he is all action and its hard to deal with

i mean we are trying to potty train him and he is good or going on the potty when we put him there -- he still doesnt tell us when he needs to go yet_--
but we bought pull ups for him though and we are trying to teach him to pull up the front and the back, but he only pulls up the front, and when we try to show him where his hands go to pull up the back he freaks and waves his ars and tries to runaway

I kno he is at his own stage and he is 2 1/2 but its hard

and its tough seeing all my brothers other kids excelling at everything, and again i know dom isnt wrong or anything just going at his own pace but i still feel like im doing something wrong or i already did when dom was little

i just wish i didnt feel like a failure all the time
its such a hard feeling to get over..

but its Dominic's bed time

gotta run

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

so we've been thinking a lot, and we are hoping we can come to a equal decision.
What we have in mind is dez can go to his dads, Dom and I will get a 1 Bd apt, and after 6 months or a year (prolly a year) if dez keeps his average at a pre-determined grade he can come home, but if his grades drop he has to go back.
personally i think its fair but maybe im a bit biased. oh well

Either way looking on the goodside we get dez every weekend :) and i get to decorate my very own apt!

im hoping to get a downtown apt, liek a highrise :) so it'll be dom and me, he will have the room, the couch will be a futon or hidea bed and i'll sleep there but share doms closet, it'll be cool.

its going to suck beign a lone, i hate being alone, but im hoping i can have friends over most nights and stuff so it shouldnt be too bad.

so im making a list in my head of fun things to buy or new things i will need for the apt.

where else to keep a list than in my blog.... seeing as this wont happen until min. summer or fall.

-New microwave - ours is crap and like...20 years old haha
-new futon/hideabed - cuz dezzys wont sit upright like a couch - cushion too thick haha
-new dressors for Dom and I -sigh- ours are all liek broken, its sad
-new coffee machine cuz again ours sucks, i would like a programmable one :)
-i want to have a single/twin bed for dom by that time, his isnt holding up well now that he jumps on the bed.
-i want a bif corner "pot" with liek those sticks in them, ive always liked those
-I want a fern, i like ferns
- a ps2 is cool, we sold ours a while ago

lol yay for saving up. Sadly though im not going to have the big tv, for space reasons and cuz i could never move it, im going to hopefully stash it at my dads and use a slightly smaller tv, its cool

and im going to start taking up crats and stuff, like string voodo dolls they are cute to make and i can sell em :) and learnign to draw anime i might try that too
but im stilling coming up with ideas on how to pass the time, im not good a lone, so i'd be at the mall lot, at least when dom woudl let me. so hopefully i can set up some good times to have friends over :)
anime and sushi nights
movie nights

but dom made a homemade slide thats not...good.. lol


Monday, January 4, 2010

love it

so i love the slow cooker we got for xmas from my dad

Its awesome and the recipe books we got have awesome ideas. I cant wait to try them.
but a lot of the refipes im missing like 2 things that are prolly pretty important, but i'll learn how to shop for groceries one day, im hoping the slow cooker will help.

Man im so excited, i wanna make lasagna, i have a recipe for it, but cheese is exspensive :( which is sad, but we pretty much have everything else..
man ive been craving lasagna for like months, but never have any. And i dont liek buying pre-made ones cuz they are always icky - not true, i had one brand I loved but they changed the recipe and it sucks now.

see my fav lasagna woudl be

a thick meat tomato sauce, with tons of cheese mmmm cheese, and onions are cool as long as they are super small or a lot of powder.. mmm.... and i lost my train of thought, Dom interrupted me so oh well, some veggies are cool i guess

again i lost my train of thoust so w/e lasagne is good as long as there isnt a tong of hugh onions..

maybe after we get out of this christmas brokeness..

ooo i also found another neat recipe in one of my books

its called 'Cola Ham'
lol and its basically hamd slow cooked in spices etc and cola (also a cola paste oon it too) I cant wait to try it, mainly only because of the cola thing, i love cola :P
but dez doesnt like ham so oh well, one day :P

i have an icecapp so my concentration is

mmmm icecappp

but im off for now


Saturday, January 2, 2010

woot breakdowns

So Dylan and his gf are staying here, its pretty cool, minus the 'personal bubble' interference..

Ive been so broken lately. I was pushing so hard to keep strong and charge through this...but I can't push anymore. I feel like im empty, like im so drained there is nothing left to use to start rebuilding.

I cry every 20 mins, and like hardcore, my mood is through the roof (poor dezzy) its hard to hold up a front with company though...

its gotten bad, and normally (most ppl who kno me) know that Im terrified of 2012 happening (predicted end of the world)

and ive always worried (yes i kno no point if it happens it happens, but thats not what this topic is about)anyways ive always been scared if it, many reasons and it just sucks, dieing is no fun, alone or with the entire earth,
back to the point

Im slowly starting to not care about that anymore, and its because im so drained and since i feel so empty, the end of the world doesnt seem so bad anymore
*****note - im not saying i want to kill myself or die*****


so to sum it up

life sucks