Tuesday, September 29, 2009

draft autosaved at 8:41 pm

so i exported my blog and was going to delete it
not sure why
i have can count the people who read my blog on one hand... ha.. half a hand, and its liek i might as well just tell those ppl if i feel liek talking instead,
but again
i didnt delete it so i dunno
my old livejournal account i had tons of peopel who read my journal
and then i moved here and lost a lot of readers, but i dunno i like this better than livejournal


i wanna stay home... im trying to figure out a way to get an extra day or 2 off, cuz i need it, i cant handle the stress. its feels like i cant organize my time, when i stayed home before, cleaning the whole house, re-organizing, laundry (ok not so much that one) but it was all easy to do no second thoughts really.
but anytime i work, it feels like my time is running out to relax and sit there.
i do realize to clean up the house only takes an hour or 2, but to me it seems so much worse and i have absolutely no motivation to do it, or i do but im too tired

im miss the old apt, i miss staying home and dezzy worked, i dont have a dream job or career, i dont want to work, i want to focus on dom and learning how to cook for dezzy and getting a schedule set up

i dunno

i just wish dez has his dream job and i could have the family life ive always wanted, the same one my mom had
and i feel so bad for thinking about "not wanting to work" cuz whenever im not working (by choice or not) i get so many lectures from so many ppl, and i can get passed it, but we cant afford to have me not work...

god i want an apt, it would be cheaper and i can work casual hours weekly and still help save for the wedding and everything else, and i would only be working 3 times a week or maybe 4

i hate this place, i hate how $$ it is, i hate how because how $$ this place is we can barely even save up to move... not to mention everywhere wants solid references before they even consider you, well boardwalk doesnt liek us, so they are out, and our previous landlords from the apt, moved away and we dunno how to contact them...
now we might be able to use my dad, but they like at least 2 references, and it blows

god i hate how every month it seems to get harder and harder, everywhere rent keeps going up, bills are expensive, gas is expensive, and fuck

having to deal with the flood of emotions and memories is hard enough but having to worry about bills and my job stressing the hell outta me, i cant take it, im breaking down...
between work and crying my eyes out at home, my energy is always gone, and my mind is so far off i cant even find it.
and i know it takes hard work to get where you wanna be or to get to "happiness" or to the end of a race, so to speak, but sometimes the runner gets tired and just cant finish the race, no matter how hard they try...

sometimes i feel like that, and by sometimes i mean mean all the time..

i just want to go to sleep and not get back up
im walking the fine line of giving up my mind and body cant do it anymore, but i have to, but i dont know how much longer that can push me.

and now i feel horrible thinking how much i whine and complain, i mean other ppl go through worse when they feel worse...
god i feel liek such a horrible person..
im going to stop writing, im just going to continue to find more reasons to hate myself

yes i kno im a great person blah blah blah, i dont hate myself i just feel liek a horrible person for things i truly feel and or think. i dunno

im done

Monday, September 21, 2009

i am an imperfect person but at least its me... and i can fix my owm problems, its my made up problems that cant change

you know whenever i drive home from work, i always have awesome ideas to blog about...but when i get near a comp with internet, they all go out the window minus some details...

either way

work sucks
no friends cuz im not there for any breaks, plus they all speak like Portuguese or something
yea like 99$ are Portuguese, and my boss seems like she is high gear all the time, she blinks all the time super fast talks fast, jerks and moves fast its creepy..she always sounds so busy and over worked.

to be honest, i can't wait until dez gets a career whether it be his writing or anything else he so chooses. but to be honest i never really had a real dream, I want to be like my mom, yes i hate cookning and cleaning, but when im alone ive always preferred to do those things
I want to stay home and take care of dez and dom,
by feeling that ive always felt greedy and selfish, but i truly feel that way so why should i feel bad? cuz a select few ppl will look down on me? if they do then I dont care (or at least i'll work thru trying not to care)

i hate working, i hate not being able to control my time, i feel liek im always working, it drives me crazy.
specially with my current work schedule where i only get one day off... liek yea i only work 4 hours, but only one day to sleep in and one day that is completely my own.

I cant lose one day cuz we need as much money as we can,
im hoping if we find a cheaper apt, i may then be able to cut down my hours, and if we move to the west side walmart, cuz then at least i can kinda dress up and look good for my job and make friends or at least acquaintances. and make better hours

which is another reason i dont liek my job, i clean rooms, and pick up hair from bathrooms, i dont get to wear makeup, and when i do its a waste.

i cant wait to move... i hope we can soon... its just so hard to catch up, its like we are just at the line but we cant cross it...

but we are now looking at one bdroom apts, cuz dom can have the room and both doms and our dressers would be in the room, doms toys too, and dez and i sleep in a new futon/hide-a-bed (which we buy when we get cash) in the living room, not much different from what we do now but at least can convert easier.

well that kinda came out in more than bits and pieces, but its a start ^^

PS******* i suck at typing "like" and im too lazy to spell check them all, lol

Friday, September 18, 2009

it makes it seem like its easy to control your emotions

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
Friday, Sep 18, 2009

If things seem to have fallen into a bad pattern with your family lately, just be aware that the best way to change things is to let go of the past and quit reacting so emotionally. If you can manage to do this, then your whole attitude should start improving and you ought to be starting to feel a lot happier with things around the house once again. Read more

Just realize that there's no reason to let old habits take over right now. If you can try to work on developing some new ways of dealing with any family issues, things really ought to start seeming a little more positive and hopeful on the home front before long.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

dfhzsxi lo/fghjfgjfghj,kjbnm,.;n

so every once in a while, i get flashback of my childhood. which always is amazing for me cuz i blocked out my childhood...never sure why. but lately its been a lot of flashbacks, and most of the memories are random ones like
"being excited to look at the sears catalog" when Christmas came"
or like
"playing outside as a kid"
"my mom tickleing me"
"playing with my cabbage patch dolls"
etc etc , but memories that are random

I find its trapped me in my head a bit more, and ive been a bit more angry than i have been, im not sure why but i am kinda enjoying being stuck in my head...
maybe i'll go for a walk tonight when dez gets home, then i can go sit in the park and just think without any tv or ppl, or any noise or non noise...

lol if that makes sense

but i must go prepare lunch for Dominic

Friday, September 11, 2009


What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger....

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


When lost in this twirling emotion
The first touch is almost erotic
Close your eyes and take a deep breath
Exhale and bite down on your bottom lip
Shivers go up and down your spine
as the second touch scales across the skin
this emotion is just to much,
to secretly handle inside
Begin the penetration
Claw your side with your free hand.
Scream and release everything thats inside
Penetrate again and again
Biting and clawing your lips and your side
exhale and smile
Its over and done
That is until next time.

the idea in my head seemed so much better than this did. I was trying to describe a feeling/emotion/action etc, by explaining it through a similiar sounding action (etc)

so the obvious is the sexual intentions of this....verse? but the actual behind the scenes stuff is this is about cutting.
I was watchign a show and it ave me the idea
i duno
it sucks
but i needed to write it, crappy or not

but im done for now

more crap to come XP

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

blinded sight

You know Ive never needed a crutch before, Ive never felt the "i ahve to have" somthing crutch.. yea pot, but that was different, pot used to be the kind of crutch cuz it was fun
but ive hit rock bottom, i now feel as though i need anything and not for fun, i just want to escape, and it scares me, i want to drink, get baked outta my mind or anything to just stop thinking, and yet im nto thinking about anything.
I feel liek a zombie
im desperate to do soemthing, and its so hard to keep these feelings down..
and it doesnt help im alone, dez is working an extra hour tonight so he wont be home until 10ish...
i cannot stand it
its never been this bad before...
i just feel done
i dont know
im venting no one has to worry about me =)
im going to go lay down