Monday, February 1, 2010

winter winter go away

im sick of this weather, it's cold and dumb.

Its screwing up my mood too, I hate winter.
its also been a bad few nights, not only do i cry myself to sleep I constantly wake up from "night visions" (or so I call them) its just like my flashbacks but in my dream and i wake up and then toss and turn all night.
I really miss my mom, I can't imagine not knowing who Dominic grows up to be and do, and then thinking how sad my mom must have been when she found out she was dying. If it were me i would be so sad and hurting, and the idea of my mom hurting hurts me.
I mean i remember one day I went into my moms rooms (she was laying in her bed) and i cuddled up to her like i usually did and little chit chat and then just laying there, then in the silence she tell me that she is dying.. It hurt to much to hear her say that, i dont remember if i said anything back, i didnt want to hear that let alone have a conversation on it, so i think i just laid there facing away from her cuz i was scared.
i wish I would have said i love you and gave her a big hug instead of silence. but I wasnt sure how to react to the situation.


i miss her....

i hate feeling like this, i want to stop hurting and I want to stop regretting things that one) i cant change and two) things i shouldnt even regrett, i did nothing wrong... but it feels like I did

I mean when she got really sick and went to the hospital the first and 2nd time, i didnt go see her that often, i was too excited to hang with my friends in allan while my dad drove up to the city after work, i seen her a couple times.. and the last time she went to the hospital, i remember seeing her and she was soo sick and drugged up because of the pain, and me and 3 of my brothers and the docter was in the room and she mumbled hwo she was glad all of her kids were there (one brother missing she thought the doc was the other one) and the painting in her room had to be covered up cuz it scared her, she told my dad that it reminded her of monsters.
anyways when we had to go she wanted a kiss, but i moved my head and kissed her on the cheek/her on mine, instead of on the lips. I was sccared, and confused and i dont know why i didnt.

that was 2 or 3 days before she died.

After kurtis's wedding receptoin, we all stopped al the hospital late at night and she was asleep and i seen her for a few mins just laying there, then we went home.

I woke up the next morning hungover at 10:13 and fell back asleep. i woke up about 30 mins later.
My cousins and 2 aunts were over for the wedding, my dad was already at the hospital, and i remember watching some eminiem concert on tv and the phone ringing.. I knew what it was when my dad asked calmly to talk to my aunt and she left the room..

turns out at 10:13 my mom passed away.... peacefully which is good.
but then everyone just looked at me not sure what to do and they only cared about me at that point and everyone was just looking at me on the couch.
I didnt cry i was in shock i guess.. thhen i got up after about 10 mins of silence and awkwardly watching the tv, and i went to my room...

i dont remember much else after that until my dad got home, he had to run to the city again and i asked if i could be dropped off in allan (we stilled lived in zelma at the time) and my dad hesitated but let me go, didnt want to be at home, everyone walking on eggshells around me was weird, so i walked around allan on the wet crappy april day...
i went to the bowling alley and Katlin's aunt was there and i liked her she was nice (Katlin was my first bf) and i was crying and she asked if it was about my mom i said yea and she told me sometimes it coudl be hard and i started bawling and told her she passed away.

after leaving the bowling alley i went walking for a few more hours again. Katlin came and found me cuz his uncle owned the gas station and trent(brother) had told him and passed along the info. so then for the rest of the day i just sat on katlins couch with him crying.

i dont remember much else.

i dunno

i miss her, i wish i would have seen her more, i wish i would have realised how serious it was, i always hoped she would just come home one day again, cuz last time she was in the hospital she came home so it didnt seem so bad.

i just want to stop hurting...

i miss her, and i need her here, i need her help and i want her to hug me again....

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