Living Life -- MY way

I dont care who reads this, its all true so whatever



things have gone so wrong these past couple months, dez started getting sick and you know that sucked, but once he got super sick/in pain, its so bad, he feels so crappy, and he has to stay home, and he tries so hard when he goes to work, but some days he cant even sit up or get out of bed, so he stays home, im trying so freaking hard to get a job cuz we cant live like this, dezzys paychecks lately have been like 200...
we are so screwed, bills are piling up and calling us, i can seem to get a job for anything, i even applied at a&w and i had 2 friends to vouche for me, still no call backs

and im honestly scared that one morning we are going to wake up with everything shut off paying utilities is way over our heads, this place is so hard to keep.

im just so angry and frusterated, and i hate having to ask people for help all the time, but i do when i need to, like I asked my dad for liek 20$ gas so dez can get to work for the next 2 weeks.. wont work but no other real choices.

we need a place in stoon like a oney loan place but not just a paycheck loan (we'd only get less than 200 cuz thats what dezzy has been making) and we need like a large sum to pay everything off, to start new, and then have another bill that like we can pay off monthly so we dont have to worry about freezing or being kicked out.

its so hard to aditt we are failing at life and being responcible, we are failing at everything, and its y fault, i know it, if i could have kept my job... im trying so hard....
i wish there was a way to fix this, and again well a job fixes it, well i cant get one, dez ay have his new job at hoem depot here soon hopefully, which pays more than his does now, but still, we are so screwed right now that it doesnt help, all of our money goes to bills food and rent, oh and we buy ourselves pop, and then we have 0... gas is included with groceries, and its ainly food for dom lately, we have had a lots of frozen food from my dads xmas present, but its running low|


aaaarrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggg!!!

im just falling apart, when i work i get so stressed that i have to scream andclench my fists to calm down and it takes a bit, and that sucks, prolly what helped contribute to my getting fired, cant afford anti depressants cuz im SURE its the cause, so why go to the doc when i cant afford the meds. so i cant seem to get a new job, and we are just getting by.... doms being a brat lately, he stil has his cute moments, but he is now having freak out moments where if we tell him no, he will try to slap or throw toys hard at you/wall... and everything piling up its so hard to hold on to reality.... :(

fuck..


and just for reference, im not typing this up because i want sympathy or money, i just need to get it out and talking to dez about it is sometimes more stressful, so im typing it here in my blog cuz its what i do when im sad or angry or hhurting.