draft autosaved at 8:41 pm

so i exported my blog and was going to delete it
not sure why
i have can count the people who read my blog on one hand... ha.. half a hand, and its liek i might as well just tell those ppl if i feel liek talking instead,
but again
i didnt delete it so i dunno
my old livejournal account i had tons of peopel who read my journal
and then i moved here and lost a lot of readers, but i dunno i like this better than livejournal

bah

i wanna stay home... im trying to figure out a way to get an extra day or 2 off, cuz i need it, i cant handle the stress. its feels like i cant organize my time, when i stayed home before, cleaning the whole house, re-organizing, laundry (ok not so much that one) but it was all easy to do no second thoughts really.
but anytime i work, it feels like my time is running out to relax and sit there.
i do realize to clean up the house only takes an hour or 2, but to me it seems so much worse and i have absolutely no motivation to do it, or i do but im too tired


im miss the old apt, i miss staying home and dezzy worked, i dont have a dream job or career, i dont want to work, i want to focus on dom and learning how to cook for dezzy and getting a schedule set up

i dunno

i just wish dez has his dream job and i could have the family life ive always wanted, the same one my mom had
and i feel so bad for thinking about "not wanting to work" cuz whenever im not working (by choice or not) i get so many lectures from so many ppl, and i can get passed it, but we cant afford to have me not work...

god i want an apt, it would be cheaper and i can work casual hours weekly and still help save for the wedding and everything else, and i would only be working 3 times a week or maybe 4


i hate this place, i hate how $$ it is, i hate how because how $$ this place is we can barely even save up to move... not to mention everywhere wants solid references before they even consider you, well boardwalk doesnt liek us, so they are out, and our previous landlords from the apt, moved away and we dunno how to contact them...
now we might be able to use my dad, but they like at least 2 references, and it blows

god i hate how every month it seems to get harder and harder, everywhere rent keeps going up, bills are expensive, gas is expensive, and fuck

having to deal with the flood of emotions and memories is hard enough but having to worry about bills and my job stressing the hell outta me, i cant take it, im breaking down...
between work and crying my eyes out at home, my energy is always gone, and my mind is so far off i cant even find it.
and i know it takes hard work to get where you wanna be or to get to "happiness" or to the end of a race, so to speak, but sometimes the runner gets tired and just cant finish the race, no matter how hard they try...

sometimes i feel like that, and by sometimes i mean mean all the time..

i just want to go to sleep and not get back up
im walking the fine line of giving up my mind and body cant do it anymore, but i have to, but i dont know how much longer that can push me.


and now i feel horrible thinking how much i whine and complain, i mean other ppl go through worse when they feel worse...
god i feel liek such a horrible person..
im going to stop writing, im just going to continue to find more reasons to hate myself


BTW
yes i kno im a great person blah blah blah, i dont hate myself i just feel liek a horrible person for things i truly feel and or think. i dunno

im done